20 - #Struggles

Day 20: Get Real - Share Something You're Struggling With Right Now.

I'm deliberately being a bit vague and general here, but I am struggling with trusting God and letting my guard down... God is up to something new, and rather than reacting with the normal excitement, everything in me is on high alert, fighting a nervous anxiety and bracing myself for the worst ending.

Not long after the 2007 trifecta of "the letter" + my cousin's diagnosis + Daniel's death, I made some bad agreements about the way God operates: That getting really close to anyone was dangerous because God would take them away as soon as I started to care too much. Things like that. After praying and slowly making a lot of progress in my walk with Him, six years later, there was "the email," and my defenses were up again. (Those who know me know exactly what I'm talking about.) 

In short, the important things I've gotten genuinely excited about (love interests, best friendships, church moves, career opportunities, school plans, etc.) have literally never worked out well in my adult life. And the people I once viewed as God-sends have done the most damage to my heart. Part of that is my fault, to be certain, but it can make passion feel like the enemy. Based on past history, letting myself get excited feels like it signals the beginning of the end, and I'm having to fight that fear harder than I expected.

So I guess my struggle is letting the past be the past. Not letting past agreements with Satan's lies affect what is happening presently. Pressing forward and trusting God's heart toward me. Believing that I really am a much different and healthier and stronger person today. Knowing that there is a difference in excitement and idolatry, and excitement is totally normal and okay and good. Trusting that God's goal has not been to destroy my happiness or make me cynical, but to prune me and work with me in building a life that will glorify Him, whatever that may look like...

My heart has been shattered in the past, without doubt. Metaphorically, I like thinking of it as a mosaic where Jesus is the grout holding all the broken pieces together, shaping them into something beautiful. (#cheesy, but I love it.) Part of my problem now is that I'm trying to hold all the brokenness together myself rather than resting and trusting God to build something beautiful from my life!  

God wants me to live with power, with love, and with a sound (peaceful) mind. So any spirit of fear and anxiety is not coming from Him!  100%, I need to keep my spiritual armor on and guard myself from the lies and arrows of Satan, yet keep an open heart to embrace what God is doing. Lately, this negative nervous energy in me is louder than the joy, so it's been a #struggle, but I'm working on it! Prayers appreciated!! :)