Differentiation

I'm just jumping right in today.

Differentiation = the ability to maintain your sense of self and emotional autonomy in close relationships.  

Fusion = being emotionally entangled or enmeshed with another person, overly dependent or needy, relying on their words and actions to maintain your sense of self.

Cut-off:  the propensity to disengage and create distance (physically and/or emotionally) in order to maintain one's individuality, but without retaining intimacy or closeness.

To sum that up...
Fusion = "intimacy" without individuality.
Cut-off = individuality without intimacy.
Differentiation = maintaining individuality within healthy intimate relationships.

"You will not find codependence in a highly differentiated relationship; instead, what you’ll find is a relationship built around interdependence. A differentiated partnership consists of two solid individuals with their own thoughts, opinions, feelings, and beliefs; and a respect and appreciation for those of their partner."

Oh.  My.  Gosh.  How have I not studied this concept before now?  Clearly, I've thought about it a lot in my past and present relationships, but having this clear language for it feels helpful.

I've experienced cut-off -- ouch!  I want to avoid future fusion (as mentioned in the Kelsea Ballerini song post).  And I've made great progress and want to continue growing in being a highly-differentiated person... knowing who I am and what I stand for, and not feeling the anxious need to merge or match the opinions, likes, and dislikes of my close friends or future spouse in order to maintain our closeness (something I still struggle with in certain areas).  You be you, and I'll be me, and we can still be close.  

This feels especially challenging in political conversations, which can so quickly shift into vitriolic attacks, dehumanizing others, and both sides using every logical fallacy.  As the 2024 elections approach, I anticipate that I will feel  familiar anxiety and feel tempted to shut down and ignore it all to keep the external peace (while feeling inner turmoil).  I may or may not write about it here, but I am going to make the effort to trust the solid people who have earned my trust (on both sides of the political aisle), to stand firm in my very clear values and beliefs and communicate them with courage and respect, and to respectfully listen and seek to understand other perspectives without feeling pressure to change them or change myself... that's the great hope... I need things to feel different this time, so I have to approach it differently! ❤

And now, some related Brene Brown quotes from Braving the Wilderness, the book I'm currently reading/listening to!  Her concept of true belonging mirrors  what I'm learning about differentiation, both of which I intend to pursue wholeheartedly. 

“Belonging is being accepted for you. Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else... Do not think you can be brave with your life and your work and never disappoint anyone. It doesn’t work that way."

“When all that binds us is what we believe rather than who we are, changing our mind or challenging the collective ideology is risky.”   

"Never underestimate the power of being seen—it’s exhausting to keep working against yourself when someone truly sees you and loves you."

"True belonging is not passive... It's not fitting in or pretending or selling out because it's safer. It's a practice that requires us to be vulnerable, get uncomfortable, and learn how to be present with people without sacrificing who we are... True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to BE who you are.”

“There is a line. It’s etched from dignity. And raging, fearful people from the right and left are crossing it at unprecedented rates every single day. We must never tolerate dehumanization—the primary instrument of violence that has been used in every genocide recorded throughout history.”

“We can spend our entire life betraying ourself and choosing fitting in over standing alone. But once we've stood up for ourself and our beliefs, the bar is higher."  ...TRUTH.