Humility

In my 2023 Lent practice of praying through 40 years in 40 days, today is day 23... which means I'm praying over my 23rd year of life (age 22, 2006).  The photo below is worth a thousand words to me.

• That was the year when I stumbled on Josh's password and then used it repeatedly without his knowledge or consent, searching for any information I could use to get closer to him, somehow not fully processing that it would be a false sense of connection created by manipulation and deception.
• The year my love for him turned into obsession and full-blown idolatry, a situation where this genuinely great Christian guy became the ultimate thing in my heart, something I believed defined my purpose - someone I firmly believed I could never bear to lose or be without.
• That year included lots of fun memories and trips together, along with many serious, challenging, emotionally-draining, fruitless conversations about the possibility of a future relationship and/or marriage (mostly initiated by me).
• That's also the year I was deeply convicted while listening to one of Craig's sermons in a series on secrets, and I ended up making a full confession to Josh - (he handled it well, given the circumstances... he was prayerful and gentle and forgiving, and he never threw me under the bus with mutual friends.  But it was the beginning of the end, and that all makes perfect sense to me now).
• In spite of the internal chaos in my heart, we were truly best friends and spoke multiple times a day.  We said a tearful goodbye when he moved that year, and it wasn't long before I was applying for jobs in the Tulsa area.
• Mom helped me create two exceptional scrapbooks for him, filled to the brim with photos and memories and heartfelt letters from all his closest friends and family (whom I relentlessly kept asking until they wrote them).

I see a lot of things more clearly as I look back on this period of my life.

I understand now why my heart craved that connection and care, and why I felt unworthy and thought I had to be manipulative to win his love.  I can see some great things that grew from that friendship, and a thousand ways that it was a catalyst for important changes in my young adult life.  Going from BFF to outcast is hard, and I felt a dark and heavy shame for a while about the way it all ended, but I don't anymore.  Humility, absolutely, but not shame or condemnation.

"So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus... If God is for us, who can ever be against us?  ...No power in the sky above or in the earth below - indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." ~Romans 8:1,31,39

Mostly, I see God's hand in it all so clearly... I see ways He has rescued me from myself time and time again... not the least of which was Josh being a man of solid integrity who didn't take advantage of a vulnerable situation I believe so many men would have.  The fact that I loved God enough to feel deep conviction, the ways Josh protected my heart and reputation, the timing of the entire Tulsa move and all that followed.  God was in that.  While I was busy planning a lovely wedding for us that would never happen, He was working behind the scenes in ways I never imagined.

Each week in my Empathy class, we are writing a paper reflecting on our story and development of empathy.  This week, we were asked to consider how humility relates to empathy.

Excerpt: Scripture urges followers of Christ to walk in humility.  In Colossians 3:12, the Apostle Paul writes, “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” (Holy Bible, New International Version, 1973/2011).  Centuries earlier, King Solomon wrote, “with humility comes wisdom” (Proverbs 11:2).  Practicing biblical humility means imitating the example of Christ by letting go of arrogant, judgmental attitudes and valuing others above ourselves (Philippians 2:3, Matthew 18:4, Luke 9:48). 

My experience with empathy is connected to the biblical concept of humility.  When I was grieving the death of a young family friend after praying fervently for his healing, it was comforting when Christian friends listened well, cried with me, and reminded me of God’s love and care.  It was the opposite of comforting when a woman in my small group responded to that with a story where her family member had been miraculously healed, emphasizing, “That’s why you really have to pray with faith about these things.”  Intentions aside, her response conveyed a lack of genuine empathy because of the undertone that her faith was superior to mine.  And although I did not have the language for it at the time, it was clear to me in that moment that she was distancing herself from my suffering rather than moving toward me, and the result was me feeling more alone and further from God. 

Humility is essential for empathic connection.  And as a Christian counselor-in-training, I want to apply this knowledge and walk in Christlike humility when I am working with disadvantaged populations or people who have created their own messes.  In any situation where I find myself feeling superior or attempting to distance myself from the suffering of a client rather than drawing near to them, prayerfully considering the example of Christ and the times He has rescued me from unwise choices will cause my inflated pride to diminish, opening the door for genuine humility and empathetic connection to rise.

…So I am thinking about that lately, too.  God's faithfulness.  God's goodness.  The way that my painful past experiences, sins, shortcomings, and stupidity can all serve to keep me humble before God and help me create genuine empathic connections with friends, family, and future clients who are hurting, struggling, feeling stuck, grieving, angry with God, depressed, suicidal, condemned about their own behavior, etc.  I am thankful for this reminder of the importance of choosing to walk in humility, compassion, and gentleness.  I'm happy I feel those things toward myself now as I look back on who I was in that season - (messy and conniving in my aggressive efforts to feel loved and valued, but already far more deeply loved and valued by God than I realized then).  Mostly, I feel deeply grateful for God's abundant grace and gentle work in my life, the undeserved gifts and the ongoing sanctification! ❤