Happy time-change Sunday, my friends! I thought we'd voted to be done with that, but apparently not so much. Or maybe this is our last one ever!? Who knows!?
I've had a lovely weekend! Spent Friday night with the fam and saying goodbye to J&K, who are with their dad in San Antonio for Spring Break now. Today has been super restful. And Saturday, I went to Tulsa and met the Foster fam for lunch at Olive Garden... yay!! ❤ They were kind enough to buy my lunch, and I had a great time getting to know Miles and Hope and hearing their adorable thoughts on life. =)
Me: "Oh wow, you know what my car looks like!?"
Miles: "No." lol kids are the best!
They asked to come see my car, so they got in for a second before they left (and I snapped a car pic, naturally)! Then Jon took them home for nap time, and Kristin and I hopped in her new-to-me blue Bronco (love it) and went to Starbucks for over three hours to get caught up on all the things!! As per usual, it was a very informative, sometimes heavy, but ultimately uplifting talk for both of us. Super thankful for her friendship! ❤ And praying for wisdom, grace, and mutual love and joy for their precious and God-ordained family!
After that, I made a very important ribbon-exchange with Chet Lee (it's been in my car since we helped decorate his office for Christmas). I came in for a tiny minute, and Miss Parker Elizabeth was tired and in a more cuddly & friendly mood with me than usual - hooraaaay!! ❤ So sweet!
In exciting NSV news (that's code for non-scale victory in the WW world), my Apple Watch alerted me that my average resting heart rate has decreased by 9 beats per minute, while my exercise minutes, standing time, and calories burned have all increased lately! It made me really happy to get that random update... and to remember there is significant internal transformation happening, and the external stuff will come later as I stick with it. True in health goals and life goals!! One step at a time...
After that, I made a very important ribbon-exchange with Chet Lee (it's been in my car since we helped decorate his office for Christmas). I came in for a tiny minute, and Miss Parker Elizabeth was tired and in a more cuddly & friendly mood with me than usual - hooraaaay!! ❤ So sweet!
In other Apple Watch news, this notification during my long drive back from Tulsa made me laugh...
Me, belting out a cheesy Treblemakers song...
My watch: "You reached your move goal, Lindsey! That's how it's done."
Lol umm, thanks, Apple.
My watch: "You reached your move goal, Lindsey! That's how it's done."
Lol umm, thanks, Apple.
Speaking of music, I love this song by Kelsea Ballerini (look at me choosing a new-ish song for once!) It's a short album she wrote while going through a divorce - lots of solid lyrics and wordplay throughout. (*Important side note: I am never pro-divorce when the reasoning is a shallow lack of commitment, but I am very pro-women-getting-out-of-abusive-marriages, and I believe God is too. My mind tends to go there for personal reasons, but to be very clear, I have zero idea about her actual marital situation, so I need to avoid pre-judging either of them on a personal level here.) I'll just say this final song really resonated with me regarding some non-marital relationships in my own life when I heard it! It's not snarky or bitter - she genuinely wishes him well - then she wishes herself continued self-respect... to never leave herself or lose her identity in another person again -- yessssssss!
"I hope I remember all the pieces
Of who I was that I lost on the way.
I hope I learn to love myself like I loved you then,
And I hope I never leave me again."
Song of the Week = Leave Me Again by Kelsea Ballerini
On a seemingly opposite but somewhat related note, that song combined with my counseling session this week have got me thinking (nothing of note is wrong - they require us to do five sessions with an LPC before beginning our internship this fall).
I feel my self-trust and self-respect rising this year. I was sleepwalking and settling in parts of my life, but I'm awake and going for things now. I was setting low expectations and letting go of certain hopes and dreams in the effort to protect myself after massive rejections and crushing pain and grief. And I was very guarded, understandably, in my effort to protect my sense of identity (which was shattered to the point of suicidality after the abrupt loss of the first man I hoped to marry).
As time went on, I quietly wrote off the idea of marriage as unlikely and unsafe for two main reasons: feeling unwanted and fearing losing myself again (being so consumed by the relationship and one person's approval that I lose sight of my individual value apart from him). There was also some fear of destructive, hot-tempered men and the emotional damage they are capable of, but the good men in my life have indirectly helped me work through that, and I would trust myself and God to help me choose wisely at this point.
And here's the truth I am just beginning to see and believe: It's actually healthy and okay for me to want this - it's a God-honoring marriage with mutual love and respect, not idolatry or compromise, and not the impossible dream!
"I'll never be more loved than I am right now.
I wasn't holding You up,
So there's nothing I can do to let You down...
I'm already loved. I'm already chosen.
I know who I am. I know what You've spoken."
~Jireh, Elevation Worship
I understand now in a way that can only come through hard life experience that Jesus is the only relationship that is vital and essential to my very identity and existence - and Lord help me, I will NOT put another human being in the God role in my heart ever again. As for marriage, I am not undeserving or unwanted or unworthy romantically... that was never the real problem. I was unknown because I was guarded and things felt safest that way, and because I was shutting down my own dreams and didn't really know myself in the way I'm beginning to now. You can't hold firmly to an identity that you're actively suppressing, and I wasn't allowing myself the freedom to create a life I loved and felt passionate about. As that is changing, my sense of identity feels more defined and less fragile - rooted in Christ, working on meaningful goals, and open to healthy relationships! Anyway, I am more confident and relationally healthy and secure now than I was even 2-3 years ago, and I'm almost entirely transformed from the desperate person I was in 2007 (lots of grace for her, though). The way I think about marriage has been colored by that experience for so long, but I have to fully let go of that old lens and see myself in a redeemed and more resilient new light. God is never limited by our timelines, so I won't lean on that excuse either.
"I love the Lord my God with all my mind, body, soul, and spirit...
Strong mind, strong body, strong soul, strong spirit...
Healthy mind, healthy body, healthy soul, healthy spirit...
My mind rests in God, my body rests in God, my soul rests in God, my spirit rests in God." ~a short mantra I'm saying out loud every day lately
I'm fully aware that God is at work and He isn't done with me yet, and I believe He wants my heart fully alive... not shut down or closed off in any area. At this moment, I am grateful to be in a solid place with God, with my friendships, with my family. I am getting healthier physically and pursuing important life goals and dreams, believing in and knowing myself more deeply than ever before. The papers I'm writing for school lately are sharpening me mentally and spiritually - I feel that, and it's exciting. I'm still growing and changing, to be very sure, but I could do that with someone good and kind and supportive beside me. I am clear on my values and my standards and what I have to offer, and it's a really good list, even in my unfinished, quirky, very imperfect human state. Starting this fall, I'm heading into a new season with internship and career transition where I'll be meeting new people pretty regularly, and I don't want to be closed off or mistrustful or insecure. I want to see life through an unscarred, confident, fresh lens based on who I am today and who God is to me today. ❤ I want to keep growing, and I want to have everything God wants for me!! I can't say for certain whether marriage is on that list just yet, but I trust that His plans are good. I'm going to be praying over it and trusting God and myself more deeply, and being open to dating and marriage in a new way!
And that's the end of my deep thoughts for tonight. Thanks for reading if you've made it this far! And have a great week ahead!!
Okay, one more song, because it's in my mind now since it totally goes with the dynamic I talked about earlier. My Enneagram 9 vice is sleepwalking through life - trying to keep the peace and remain unaffected... but our virtue (when we're at our best) is when we intentionally take right action, coming alive to our heart's desires, fighting for others, and pursuing our goals!
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