I completed my last discussion post for my Eating Disorders class today, so I'm one step closer to my master's degree - hooray! It was a lot of writing work, but I enjoyed the word cloud assignment.... we created the original one that I shared here in July (with the mix of our positive and negative thoughts on food, body image, weight, and health)... and then we did a "cognitive restructuring" assignment to help reprogram our minds with truth... going through and exchanging every negative word for a more positive word to help reframe our perspective. Stuck became moving forward... family stronghold became individual choice... financial incentive became internal incentive... negative things spoken about me became "free" (I'm free from that influence) and "Love keeps no record," etc. A pretty simple project (free to create on wordart.com), and a really helpful visual!
It's one of three new tile pix hanging on my bedroom wall now! =)
I got to catch up with Jon and Kristin over dinner at Whiskey Cake in OKC last night. I'm so thankful to report that they're seeing lots of improvement lately, but we're praying for continued memory recovery and full healing and restoration! As well as extra grace and strength for Jon, Kristin, Miles, and Hope in this difficult season! (They had dinner with me then attended a concert by Lindsey Sterling, and the double Lindseys made me smile.)
On what's kind of a related note to all of the above, I've been thinking about resilience lately. I have several very resilient friends who endured hard things early in life. For a lot of my early life, my focus was cultivating cushiness and comfort, assuming that was the best path to happiness... but I've learned through experience that cultivating resilience and inner strength is the far better path... one that will equip you to survive hard things and find a way to thrive and keep moving forward! You live a more abundant life with a resilient spirit, viewing hardship and trauma through a more redemptive lens (trusting God's goodness and power to redeem losses). I know from experience that hard things feel utterly catastrophic when you fail to cultivate resilience and a sense of your inner strength and outer support system. We will all face hard things and troubles either way (John 16:33)... but I'm determined now to approach life and parenting with an emphasis on building grit and resilience rather than padded fragility, and God is using that to restructure my perspective in such healthy ways (as I witness others going through hard things part of me wishes I could protect them from)! *P.S. Part of building resilience is building trusted relational connections and feeling well-supported in hard times - we are not helping by insulating or being overprotective, but we can support and encourage people as they move through hard seasons, and I love that!
I could say more, but I'm tired, so that's all for today.
Happy Monday tomorrow. ;-) Hope you've had a great weekend.
Between homework and transcripts, I have been keeping a phone note list with blog post ideas. I'm going to throw several of them into one post here, and then share a few more photos below:
It grates on me when people speak with confident authority yet what they're saying lacks quality and substance. One of my favorite verses about Jesus says that the people marveled at His teaching because He taught with real AUTHORITY, quite unlike their teachers of religious law. I think Jesus wants us to speak with respect, wisdom, and authority -- to have something worthwhile and substantial to say, and to say it in a confident manner that commands respect. This is something I really want to work on!! So often, the people with the most wisdom stay hidden and quiet while the people with the biggest egos push forward and take charge. Reminds me of the Edmund Burke quote I calligraphed so many times: "All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing."
Confidence and humility are a beautiful pairing. Our confidence should always be laced with humility, warmth, and genuine respect and care for others. ❤
I have always been drawn to STRENGTH. But for a while, my understanding of real strength was skewed. I was drawn to people who projected strength and superiority. But there is a huge difference between bravado and real strength. One comes from ego and desire for power; the other from being tested and growing in resilience. One uplifts themselves at the expense of others; the other gives of themselves to uplift others! One is more likely to abuse and abandon; the other more likely to strengthen and protect. In my life, in my friendships, in my supervisors, and in the leaders I vote for, I want to steer clear of the bravado "strength" that lacks real substance, and press into Christlike protective strength, authority, kindness, and humble confidence!! Grace and truth; truth in love... the transforming power is in that combination!
A few times lately, I have referenced "victims of trauma" or "trauma victims." I am going to go back and change each of those posts to say "SURVIVORS of trauma" or "trauma SURVIVORS." I noticed one of my classmates using that terminology, and I see so much value in that. I'm going to be more careful to phrase it that way going forward. How we define ourselves and the labels we hear about ourselves matters so much. And without ever devaluing or diminishing someone's experience of trauma, I want my words to help people reframe their stories from a place of strength and resilience, rather than feeling stuck in helplessness and victimhood. ❤
Yes, that put Destiny's Child's Survivor lyrics in my head! lol
Another thing I want to work on is staying emotionally regulated any time I feel bullied or confronted. Something in me shuts down pretty hard - I go into "freeze" mode and cannot think or communicate coherently. But that doesn't have to always be my response. I want to get better at taking a deep breath and being able to collect my thoughts and respond well in those situations (not reactively, but thoughtfully). Yay for having something I'd like to to talk with my counselor about during our last two required sessions!
I had an experience last week that prompted most of the deeper thoughts above. I may write more about it here someday, but not just yet. I'm still working to pull the good things from that conversation and leave the bad behind.
At the beginning of this month, I decided to give myself one night off from WW... I had butter croissants and Velveeta shells & cheese and two Crumbl cookies - Oreo peanut butter & Cookie butter lava - YUM. It was the first time since February 18th that I just ate whatever I wanted. It was familiar and bingey, then my mind went into an irrational shame-spiral of feeling defeated. I was very aware that that dinner & dessert was around 100 points, which is over three days worth of points for me. The next day, I felt physically sluggish and emotionally guilty and really struggled to get my mind back on track. And what I chose to do in order to get re-centered was go back in and track all of that, and then have several low-point days to try to make up for it... maybe a better response would've been tracking it without feeling pressured to make up for it.
In the "I'm Glad my Mom Died" book, Jennette talks about seeing a counselor for her bulimia eating disorder... and that they worked hard on not allowing a slip to become a spiral. That was super helpful for me, and it's something I want to keep working on as my health journey goes forward! There is no reason to allow one poor choice to turn into a week-long string of poor choices, but I've done it repeatedly in my past. I could write more on that, but you get the point. It all counts, and it's important for me to live in reality on that. So I am still gradually figuring out what triggers the bad habits and what works for me and what doesn't, but my overall trajectory lately is good!
I have one more post idea that's been simmering, but it deserves its own separate post right after this one. =)
And now, here's a quick photo catch-up:
A National Sibling Day collage I made... me and Rach + the kids!
I did two interviews for Practicum sites last week - one at New Vision and one at Restore. I'll hear back from them this week, and I may need to consider a third option depending on how that goes. Three courses + required counseling sessions + finding a Practicum site... this semester has been a lot!!
Chet Lee held a successful broker's open at the mansion he's selling that I'm not allowed to go see (without a pre-approval letter). lol The charcuterie board and bundtini cakes look pretty great! And yay for Debbie Robinson, my loan officer in Tulsa and in Moore! =)
This picture of Miss Kate is so adorable!! ❤
Ben and Leanne are two of my favorite coaches from Peloton London! She's doing well in her journey with breast cancer, and this little photo sesh made me happy, even though they're in very different levels of formality on their clothing choices. lol
A few memes to end this post...
This is what I tell myself sometimes. But truthfully, it's worth it even now in the middle part. I can feel myself growing and changing, and there's value in that.
"Usher - Usher - Usher!" lol My gosh, I loved that song!! And roller skating. lol
Lol truth.
I barely remember this now, but it's true.
Lol no time for that at the moment. Also, I just love Jason Bateman!! He's quick-witted and his whole sense of humor is on point for me.
That's all for this one. Third and final post coming soon.
Crazy that this little spot represents a decade of my life. I want to add one more to have a grand total of 7 medals -- you can't stop on 6 -- so I need to complete one more big race (Half or Full - most likely Half) before my 40th birthday. Then I'm probably done with long-distance running forever. I can do the occasional 5K, but for the most part, I'll stick with Peloton! The lower-impact cycling classes + strength training + walking + yoga is really a better combo for me all around! But I'm excited to train for one more big race sometime in the next couple years!
I'm really proud of the progress I've made this year... both internally and externally. It's March 20th and I've already hit 5,000 minutes with Peloton in 2021. I'm enjoying the workouts, and that's an awesome shift. Today is the 79th day of 2021, and I've been faithful with the 5-8 hour window intermittent fasting all but 3 of those days. So yay for new habits and small changes that put me on a better trajectory and lead to great results!!
Obviously, no one else will ever fully understand my journey or care as much as I do about my progress, so I want to step it up and be my own biggest cheerleader here - to create an atmosphere where I feel seen and motivated and empowered! I'm honestly so over the idea of trying to motivate myself with anything negative or shame-based - that has never been effective for me. I want to be kind to myself and focus on getting stronger in body, mind, and spirit! I am worthy and ready and powerful. I have the gift of some extra time since I am single, but that does not minimize or invalidate my accomplishments! It's hard work, and it's a daily choice, and I give myself full credit for that. I'm excited about where I'm headed... I love who I am, I have tons of grace and compassion for who I've been and what I've learned through every stage of life, and I love who I'm becoming. I've added in lots of strength training over the last couple months, and I can tell that my body composition is changing - I'm growing stronger and more confident and feisty! Those extra workouts are also making me hungrier, and my eating habits have not been good... so I'm focusing on nutrition and following the WW plan as I move forward. I've come such a long way in developing a healthier mindset around food and exercise and body image, and I want to stay on a good trajectory there!
Someone posted this, and I thought it was good (for women and men).
I'm working on collecting pictures (I have over 250 so far) to redo the huge bulletin board and make it a Board of Empowerment... inspiring quotes and pictures of Peloton instructors (who feel like friends now), real life friends, family, celebrities, moments when I've felt powerful, places I love, etc. -- really anything that feels inspiring or encouraging or empowering to me! I'm gonna LOVE it, I can already tell!!!
This delightful fountains pic will go somewhere near the center. lol
Along the lines of feeling empowered to keep changing for the better, here's a short post from 2016 that's just as relevant and encouraging today! ❤
“Changing ourselves and our habits is the most powerful tool we have to change the world... The most dangerous thing we can believe is that we do not have an impact. For better or for worse, we are all changing the world.”
“There is a profound difference between a weight loss plan I take on because I care about my body, because I want to feel good about myself, have more energy, and supercharge my creativity; and the weird crash-diets I’ve done because I look at myself in the mirror and can’t stand the sight of the reflection staring back. Setting goals from a place of self-hatred rather than self-love will rarely work… As you think about your goals and resolutions, ask yourself first: do I want that for myself because I love myself so much, or because I will hate myself until I achieve it?”
“Our only hope for creating real, lasting change in our lives is to change in the deepest parts of ourselves—our thought patterns and ideas about the world… We have to be willing to let go of the idea that getting the thing we want will change how we feel about ourselves. It won’t. Although changing how we feel about ourselves will, more often than not, help us get the thing we want.”
I love Allison's gentle spirit and powerful writing, and I found her thoughts above very encouraging as I press toward new mindsets and healthy habits. It is 1,000% true that our motivation and heart toward ourselves matters when we set our goals. Whatever your goals may be, I hope this is encouraging to you today, too!!
Here's me feeling cute yesterday morning in my leopard cardigan... I got up early to workout, then had time to shower and put in some effort on fixing my hair (such a rarity these days, but I'm trying to care more even though no one sees me most days, purely because it makes a difference for me)... and I still had time to run a couple errands before work -- clearly, I should get up early more often! ...Just not this week bc today is my last official workday till next Monday! ;-)
Super random side note: See the gold earrings in the above pic? I've had them for at least 14 years because there's a pic I remember well but can't find of me at a CHA volleyball game with JMM and co. from 2006, wearing a long-sleeved green t-shirt and those gold earrings... anyway, they lived a good life. lol They tend to be heavy up front so I pinched the back to make sure they would stay on my ear, then the back side of the right one somehow got caught and tangled in a microscopic hole in the chain on the front, and it was impossible to get out. After several futile attempts, I finally tried cutting them off with scissors, which didn't work, but made the earring flip weirdly and hurt my ear and damaged the wire to a point that I couldn't pull it out from the front even after getting wire cutters and cutting off part of the back. So I had to cut it again from the front side (being extra careful and standing right up close to the mirror), then I was able to pull it out in reverse. And that was the crazy dramatic end of the lovely gold earrings. Rest in peace.
Second random side note: PLEASE DOWNLOAD THE GOOGLE PHOTOS APP if you don't already use it. It backs up all your iPhone pictures and videos (or any uploaded pics from your computer) and stores them forever, sorted in date order. It's free and offers unlimited storage, so you can clear stuff off your phone and you can easily find what you're looking for there since you can search the photos by date, by place, by person, by searching a specific color, etc. You can create gif images, collages, and movies with it. It's incredibly helpful, and unlikely to disappear any time soon bc it's Google. I'm just sad that I didn't have it before 2015. I searched Shutterfly for over an hour this morning (lots of reminiscing fun) but could never find that pic. Hopefully it's in an old scrapbook somewhere, but Google Photos would've made it so simple. I still like the idea of scanning in all the physical scrapbooks we made so that they're preserved somewhere online. A daunting thought, but it would probably be worth the effort to me to preserve those memories.
EDIT - found it - yay! lol
Anyway, that's all the random side notes. Time for an encouraging verse...
This year has felt shaky for most of us, but God's love is firm and unshakable!
Last Sunday was my Aunt Charlene's birthday - YAY - she would've been my Alaska cruise buddy next month... maybe next year now!? Also, this Friday is the birthday of the mini Miss Kyndal Faith!! July and August are very busy birthday months, and I love it!
An encouraging quote Brene Brown shared this week. She said we should look at the bigger picture rather than getting anxious and hyper-focused on minor details, past or present. None of us can change the past, but we have a God who can work hard things together for good and bring beauty out of painful situations.
Random meme that made me laugh... I loved the Flintstone vitamins!
Kyndal Facetime calling me to say goodnight when she was staying with Mamaw and Grandpa! I love it, and love her confident gap-toothed smile here!! ❤
And now, two random flashback pics... the Jaceman on this day 8 years ago! ❤
And a Christmas 2008 pic from Shutterfly... my immediate thought was positive today, but this is one of many old pics where I remember feeling harsh and critical of myself because of my weight, focusing on unfair comparisons and thinking I shouldn't have worn the horizontal stripes. I wasn't a size 4, but I was pretty and worthy of love and respect, and the same applies today. I'm mostly out of that hypercritical mindset now, and I know Peloton and years of life experience and maturity have helped a lot with my confidence there. So just a reminder that whatever you look like and whatever health goals you're pursuing, this day matters and your life matters right now. We will never make lasting progress without inner strength and joy. You've got this! Live fully and joyfully and don't let the enemy weaken your joy, steal your confidence, or make you feel inferior!
That's all I've got for this overcast Tuesday. Hope you are well, and hope it is well with your soul!! ❤
^^ If I had to pick a mantra today, this would be it. ^^
For the sake of clarity, that does NOT mean false bravado or powering up or avoiding vulnerability! It means I want to keep growing personally, which includes pursuing health and getting stronger in body, soul, and spirit! At the same time, in every way possible, I want to stop making myself smaller in looks, in posture, in personality, in speech, or by downplaying my core spiritual beliefs if the motive is simply to conform or keep the peace.
Be transformed by God. Don't be conformed to the world. Be a woman of substance and strength. Don't play it small. Say no to pressured or rapid weight loss. Say yes to exercise and healthier food choices. Say no to remaining silent on things you care about. Say yes to engaging in hard conversations. Value yourself and command respect from others. I've been growing in these things, and I want to continue to grow and improve here! I started a book project journaling about this stuff in April, and I'm going to press into that again now. I will likely be the only one who ever reads that particular "book," but I want to do some soul work here and sort through the ingrained mental blocks that continually trip me up and hold me back and keep me too cautious and quiet. My Enneagram 9 personality type tends to prioritize others and "go along to get along" and keep the peace, then later feel upset and angry about being overlooked, unheard, and undervalued. So it's really important for me to improve on speaking up for myself and others and standing up for my own strongly held beliefs, and what better time than a crazy-divisive election year to work on that! ;-) That's all I've got on this subject for today. Just a preview that this truth in love, courage with kindness, strong over small combo is something I'm going to be working on in person and in writing over the next several months! ❤
Hope you had a lovely 4th of July weekend, friends!
Here's me and the Mini Miss K ❤
Bob Rutherford (our former pastor and my parent's current neighbor) has three granddaughters who live in Texas but come to visit semi-regularly. The Parrish kids love it when they're here! They spent most of the night swimming and having fun with their "neighborhood besties" ...the above pic was when they came in for around 20 minutes for a pretty late dinner break! =)
Georgia, Nancy, and Charlene... Dad's three sisters who all make me laugh! Nancy wanted a patriotic pic so she handed them all napkins to hold up. lol
Despite four different restaurants being out of ribs (Rib Crib included), we had a plethora of food and dessert options, and it was really nice getting to see some of the extended fam again for the first time in quite a while!! ❤
(Chalkboard by Rach - I remembered to put it out just in time!)
A fun Hamilton meme because it was also Hamilton release weekend!
An epic cuteness flashback to July 4, 2016... That was the night Mom fell shortly after her back surgery, which was a genuinely traumatic experience and could explain why I had zero memory of this pic when I saw it pop up in memories. Super cute, though! (And I'm very thankful Mom is doing well now!)
And now, a 13-year flashback to this July 4, 2007 pic of me and Sarah! That was a blast-from-the-past surprise to see on FB. (She had to have two separate "going away" events when she moved to Boston so that Josh and I could both celebrate her without seeing each other, so this was at our much smaller fancy girls night party.) It's all kind of a blur now, but that entire summer and 2007 me were truly a hot mess. I'm thankful for how I grew from it, though, and for the restored connections that help my life story and my soul feel more integrated now!
I had the day off work and got to join the Wilsons and Weatherfords for lunch at Old School Bagel on July 3rd. Fun times hanging out with Tater-tot after his swim lessons... plus catching up with friends over tasty potato soup, bagel sandwich, and M&M cookie!
These pics are in reverse order. I woke up around 6:30 and saw posts about Hamilton when I checked Facebook, so I decided to just stay up and watch it! As Chet said, that's saying something since I don't even get up that early for work. lol So fun to see it with the original cast!
"Look around, look around at how lucky we are to be alive right now!!"
Yesterday, I completed my 75th Peloton ride (...since signing up for my own account on April 28th), and today marks a 70-day streak using the app and completing a daily workout! I'm excited to get to 100 soon!
"Mini-wave in celebration of me!" ~Chandler Bing ;-)
(The TV airplay feature gets really glitchy on live rides, so I got a tablet holder for those!)
"Now thanks be unto God, who always causes us to triumph in Christ, and manifests through us the sweet aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place." ~2 Corinthians 2:14
Today, I am thankful for:
1. My awesomesauce new Peloton-inspired canvas (with quotes by my fav coaches). I LOVE everything about it!! I read through several quote boards on Etsy, then finally realized I could pick and choose and make my own with Microsoft Word + Photomix + Walgreens. I said "yaaaas" out loud when I read: "Make yourself strong, never small!" They're all good, but that one speaks life to my very soul... be powerful and confident and stable, and don't play it small or shrink back for anyone! Choose strength and health and fitness over thinness or fitting into someone else's ideas of what you should look like! Yes, puh-lease!!
2. Getting to have an updated look soon... and being here (and seeing all the metaphors) in the messy step-by-step transformation process! Step one of my kitchen cabinet transformation is now complete (sanding + priming everything). Tomorrow = the real paint day, and I'm super excited to see it!! (Everything is a hot mess tonight, and I'm thankful to be low maintenance enough to function without any uncovered sink for now. lol)
3. The new quotes/verses Rach is making for my room!! I love this one, and I'm excited to see them all together soon! =) Thanks, Rachael!!
4. My favorite summer salad being back at Panera! (It's my favorite salad ever, really, although that's a pretty narrow list. lol But it's only available during the summer season.)Strawberry poppyseed chicken for the win!!
5. My Audible book for May, thanks to hearing Marc on Brene's podcast... it's been fantastic already, full of great info on how learning to suppress emotions inhibits children's ability to learn and function properly... and on the power of emotional intelligence and being able to identify and express our feelings rather than suppressing them!
6. My weekend park walk with Dad and the kids... and my second Crescent Park walk this afternoon here in Tulsa! *Today, I saw three -- THREE -- bunnies in a playful game of chase around some trees... there was a lot of surprised hopping when one got too close, and it was just about the cutest thing I've ever witnessed!! So I'm also thankful for bunnies and God's sense of playfulness!
7. That while the rest of the house is temporarily a chaotic hot mess, I still have my bike, my comfy bed, and this tiny introvert corner of the office room for blogging, letter writing, and making Amazon orders!! lol (Until they move this desk to put in the new floors next week). #getexcited
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