2022 Recap!

My Top 3 Takeaways from 2022:

1.  God is good and very present in my life, and I'm getting better at trusting HIM even when life is hard.

2.  The path to any goal won't always be smooth, but the journey is shaping me in important ways!

3.  I am blessed with the BEST friends and very grateful for my circle!

* * * * * * *

❤ M E M O R I  E S  2 0 2 2 ❤

*Fun family road trip to visit the Texas Mueckes + After a long and frustrating year-and-a-half, Jace graduated eye therapy – yay! + Arkansas road trip to see Hamilton with the Fultons + Helped someone I love connect with half-siblings and find info on her birth father + Created a Whitaker family drawing for Anthony's 10th birthday in heaven + Reconnected with my former Compassion child (now 22) on Facebook + Amazing birthday weekend and Pawhuska trip thanks to Kristin + Completed the DHS parenting classes (three 9-hour Saturdays) + Pursued motherhood in 3 potential adoptions and via donor insemination... prayed for God’s will (thus far, the doors have closed, and I am trusting His timing) + Accepted a new CR job in Cleveland County + Finished well in Creek County (left on good terms with everyone and felt God-given peace about it) + Had six different buyers inexplicably back out before contract #7 went through in August to sell my Jenks home - surreal + Purchased a lot to build with Taber Homes (highly recommend them) + Memorable going away party with my core group of Tulsa friends (photo above)! + Lived with Mom and Dad for six months as my home was being built… grateful for their kindness and for fun memories including golf course walks, movie nights, summer swims, and family dinners! + Long-awaited raise approved for Oklahoma court reporters and bailiffs! + Fun potluck "Welcome Lunch" at work + June Vegas trip for State Farm’s 100th Anniversary event: Garth Brooks concert with Dad and Charlene, Mon Ami Gabi brunches, swimming at Mandalay Bay, discovered the Linq Promenade, Jonas Brothers concert with Triston, and more! + Admitted to the Master’s in Counseling program with Colorado Christian + First time having COVID in July; first time having the flu in December + Traveled to Colorado for the summer Residency (navigating flights, car rental, hotel stay, and grad school schedule for the first time) + Made some wonderful new friends at work and in school + Kyndal Faith dedicated her first book to me (a Christmas comic book she wrote and illustrated), and I love it!  + Reminisced and learned new stories while scanning in Babah and Grandad’s old photos + Had family and friends sign my future house frame and write verses on the framing and foundation + Moved from a 2.5 to a 5.25 interest rate – sadness + Enjoyed watching the progress on my home + Smooth closing day with lots of family help and a surprise visit from the wonderful Wilson fam on moving weekend! + Tried to preserve it, but lost one important friendship + Cheered for the niece and nephews in their volleyball, basketball, and football games + Sarah Elizabeth and the Moss fam also came to visit me in my new place – yay! + Pentatonix Christmas concert in Tulsa + Fun times at 3 OSU football games this season! + Celebrated Friendsgiving #11 with long-time friends +  Watched Maid, the Dr. Dre led Super Bowl halftime show, West Wing seasons 1-4, Newsroom, The Crown, and some old favorite shows and movies! + Listened to 42 fantastic audiobooks + Fav theater movie for 2022 = Top Gun: Maverick + Completed my first five classes at CCU, including several counseling role play sessions (intimidating but good practice) + Very sad to hear that Sharon Hainzinger passed away + Decorated my home for Christmas with Mom and Kristin, then Chet's KW office with Mom and Chet Lee + Multiple doctor visits and medication changes followed by four unsuccessful IUI's and the hollow, ambiguous grief that followed + Learned Mom's cancer is back and will require surgery and possibly further treatment next year + Exceptional support and compassion from my closest friends + Celebrated a low-key but meaningful Christmas with the fam + Lots of great talks over good meals with friends and family throughout the year + Planning to ring in the new year with a small group of treasured friends at the Moss family's beautiful new home (where we were neighbors for exactly nine days before I moved). Lol + Happy New Year and hope you have a blessed 2023!!*

* * * * * * *

I am grateful for ALL the people, places, and memories listed above... hard things included.  I value my faith, my family, and my close friendships even more deeply as 2022 comes to an end!  This year has included some big changes and personal growth for me – always daunting when you think about it all at once, but doable one step at a time.  Pursuing meaningful change and going for my dreams means I have experienced higher hopes and deeper disappointments in 2022 – the ups and downs of life, more abundant!  Today, I am praying and consecrating the year ahead to God.  I am slowly growing some new roots in my new city, and looking forward to planting myself in a new church home this year.  So all things considered, I feel hopeful for 2023 and deeply grateful for God’s sustaining faithfulness and for the truly wonderful people He has placed in my life!! ❤

*My "Top 9" Pictures for 2022 (Click caption for link to full posts on each event) = July Residency in Colorado with Michelle and Amy (fellow Oklahoma girls) + February Hamilton trip with Steve and Sarah + Fun times at Friendsgiving #11 + Pic with Judge Golden on my last day in Creek County (April) + Wilson fam coming for a surprise visit to my new home (October)  + Charlie's Sweet Shop in Pawhuska with Kristin (March) + Swimming at Mandalay Bay in Vegas with Triston (June) + Jace being proud to be done with eye therapy (January) + Putting the "Sold" sticker on my lot back in April! ❤

And now, a quick tribute video to the mini-BFFS in 2022... to my niece and nephews and my honorary nieces and nephews who make me excited about becoming a mom!  I'm thankful for the way these kids enrich and brighten my life with more joy, fun, courage, and hope! ❤

This = Google's "Year in Search 2022" video, which is kinda fun and cool.  I went back and watched their videos for several other years after seeing this one -- unsurprisingly, 2020 through 2022 were all emotional!

We CAN change ourselves and change the world around us!

Thank you for being here and reading this year, friends.
Praying God blesses you in the year ahead!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

"May grace and peace be multiplied to you
in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord."
~2 Peter 1:2

DECEMBER 2022!

 QUOTE OF THE MONTH:

"400 years of silence.  And then, "in the fullness of time," a baby came to save the world.  If you are waiting and it feels like God isn't speaking, He is working 1,000 details into motion for your good and His plans.  Fullness of time... the people, the time, the places, the story all had to be in perfect position." 
~Jennie Allen

DECEMBER MEMORABLE MOMENTS

• Chet's 2nd annual Bougie Charcuterie party!
• My first experience with the flu - physically worse than COVID for me, but I feel like God timed that to help me slow down and rest when I reeeally needed it
• Worked hard on some final papers and exams, and finished my first semester of grad school with all A's!
• Great talk at Los Cabos with Lindsay 
• IUI + negative test + finally writing about all of that openly
• Two cold-but-fun walks through the Midwest City "Holiday Spectacular" with the kids!
• Taking down my Christmas stuff with Mom and Triston
• Hanging out with T-man while J&K were with Josh during the break!  
• LIFE-GIVING:  Having my first (well-timed) real break from school work since August!  Genuine support and encouragement from valued friends - Chet Lee, Kristin W, Sarah, JEM, Kelly, Lindsay, Laura, and Tiffany!!  Little words of confirmation and comfort from God... choosing to trust Him!  Mom feeling good enough to join us for the Christmas festivities!  Praying for my niece and nephews and doing my best to be there for them.
• LIFE-DRAINING:   The flu, particularly that day one headache (when I couldn't take Advil).  Another difficult  medical procedure and negative pregnancy test.  Fretting over the next step before choosing to rest and trust God.  Learning Mom's cancer is back. Letting myself get too upset by the choices of others that I cannot control.  Questioning my parental worthiness (briefly - done with that now).

HAPPY LISTS

I Listened To:

• I Thessalonians - Revelation!!

• Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J.K. Rowling

• The usual favorite podcasts

• More Christmas songs and worship music than usual

I Watched:  

• Violent Night in theaters (wouldn't recommend it - mostly saw it for my nephew)

• Harry and Meghan on Netflix

• Everybody Loves Raymond on Peacock 

I'm Celebrating:  

• My amazing friends and family - I feel very blessed and grateful!
• I'm proud to have taken some risks this year, even the ones that did not pay off as I'd hoped
• God's love and His authority to time things perfectly

My quick walk through the Christmas Chute

This December felt more like a year than a month for me.  Despite having the flu during finals week, I finished strong in my first semester at CCU in early December - yay!  I had my fourth and final IUI appointment on the 3rd then took a negative test on the 18th.  I pushed through some anxiety and decided to write about my journey and was met with genuine love, support, encouragement and kindness!  (Thank You.)  We learned that Mom's uterine cancer is back and her surgery is now set for January 12th - praying!!  And of course, there were several fun holiday events with Christmas cheer and meaningful memories scattered in there with all the emotional fog and seasonal chaos!  

I feel READY and grateful for a fresh start in 2023.  Very much looking forward to celebrating New Year's Eve with friends tomorrow at Jeff and Kelly's!! ❤

"May the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ,
the love of God, and the fellowship of the
Holy Spirit be with you all!"

~2 Corinthians 13:14

Thankful Thursday #154!

 "May Your faithful love rest on us, Lord,
for we put our HOPE in You."

~Psalm 33:22

In this final week of 2022, today, I am thankful for:

1.  Time with Triston... he helped us take down my Christmas stuff and put some boxes in the attic (yay!), then we went to a movie together and he stayed the night, and on Tuesday, we went to the Apple Store and Classen Curve and had dinner at Tucker's (yum) and talked about school and life and his upcoming London trip! =)

2.  Having help to take down my Christmas stuff and set up my living room!  Glitter is EVERYWHERE, and the house does feel kinda bare now, but I'm super thankful for the great help from T-man and Mom!! ❤

3.  A lovely lunch with Mom at Teller's (a new Italian restaurant that was once a fancy bank in downtown OKC).  Their Christmas decor is on point and was definitely what brought us there!  **Also deeply thankful that she's been feeling better and stronger since our ER visit on the 23rd!

4.  The fun of following the Campbell family as they travel the world this year - highly recommend it!!  I've followed Ashley's blog for years, so they feel like friends to me, and I LOVE all the photos and stories of their travel adventures on Instagram @underthesycamore. I follow her oldest three kids there now, too. lol

5.  This little quote from Glass Onion... loved it when I heard it, and I was happy to find this meme!

6.  The Whitaker family (having lunch with Kristin and the boys tomorrow - yay!), and more specifically, what has become a really close friendship with my cousin, Kristin... she's someone I can speak freely with, and vice versa.  We've laughed together and we've supported each other through petty grievances and profound griefs, and she's been very dependable and encouraging through all the ups and downs I've faced this year!  I'm super grateful for that and happy we live less than five minutes from each other now! ❤

*Love this pic and their tree and the A for Anthony!

7.  The Wilson family, and specifically Chet Lee, who has gone out of his way to be there for me this month!  From funny meme texts to genuine words of affirmation to calling to ask about Mom and calling to reassure me that no one is upset (bc he knows I worry and said that's the last thing I need to be focused on right now)... it is all very much appreciated and valued!  Some mutual friends had a crisis this week, and Chet was the first to show up there and the one to send a text rallying other friends to help out, and I love that!  I really love the way that being a part of this friend group inspires/challenges me to keep growing with God and improving as a person... and I love that even after moving, I can rest and trust that my friendship with the Wilson fam is solid (pic = the Labor Day pool party, Tate showing me a tree bridge they discovered on a neighborhood walk)! ❤

Bonus:  Thankful for a new podcast with Annie and Eddie today! =)  Not sure there are any two people I love more that I've never actually met yet. lol

May our light shine before others

that they may see our good deeds

and glorify our Father in heaven!

Changing the System

 TRUTH:

I've grown this year in taking action that reflects my goals and values.  

I am thankful for that!

Yet one thing continues to trip me up...

Through all the very real physical and emotional stress that came along with pursuing adoption, selling a home, building a home, moving twice, changing jobs, starting grad school, and pursuing a pregnancy (still feels surreal writing that), food was a reliable source of comfort and joy for me... something familiar, filling, calming, and fun!

Yet at the same time... overeating is literally the main thing keeping me from achieving certain goals and dreams.  It's the giant blockade standing in my way, and I cannot ignore it or maneuver around it as I actively move toward my other goals and try to sincerely live from my values.  Internally, I am aware that I can't live a life that truly honors God if I refuse to actively pursue sanctification and holiness by throwing off this particular "sin that so easily entangles" me.  I have to work with Him and be serious about repentance and pursuing real change.  I cannot build a walk-and-talk therapy practice if I am too unfit or weak to lead it.  I can't write an inspiring book if I don't live in a way that inspires real hope for lasting change.  If I end up pursuing embryo adoption, getting healthier will undoubtedly help me with that goal.  Either way, I would do well to maximize my health, energy, and strength as a new parent.  And I want to be incredibly careful about the eating habits and the body messages that I pass on to my future child or any children I may influence, and that starts with the habits and messages I allow into my own heart.  In every area of life, physical health matters and has an impact.  But even more than that, my personal OBEDIENCE to God matters...

*My "word" for 2023 is SANCTIFICATION.  We studied it briefly in one of my classes, and I feel led to go deeper there.  I have chosen 12 verses on that subject and plan to write a monthly post here, setting a unique sanctification-related goal for each month. ❤

Anyway, I have read the quote below over and over:

It's true.  My goal has consistently been to be healthy and build strength!  Yet the various systems I have chosen have consistently collapsed and failed to last or get me there.  I have to carefully plan my steps to build health habits that are obvious, attractive, easy, and satisfying... while making my bad habits invisible, unattractive, difficult, and unsatisfying. #AtomicHabits

In short, I have to change the system as I pursue this goal in 2023!  I have been working on building a unique plan to create healthier habits that will be sustainable and effective.  And I would love to find someone who could be an encouraging mentor, coach, or guide -- I'm open to ideas/suggestions there!  I’ve tried in the past and haven’t found a good fit, but that is not a reason to give up on it.  I would appreciate prayers for courage and wisdom, and any thoughtful advice or non-quick-fix suggestions are also welcome.  I need a fresh dose of power and endurance to move forward here in the new year! 

.......One of my favorite songs in Hamilton is titled "Say No to This."  It's actually the most scandalous song in the play, a sultry scene where the lead character gives in to temptation and begins an affair... he's saying "Lord, show me how to say no to this - I don't know how to say no to this" while he's actively moving toward this woman (which is so typically what we all do in whatever sin we struggle with but aren't seriously ready to give up).  And the entire chorus behind him is singing in unison - "NO, NO, say no to this!"  Because looking at the bigger picture, it becomes incredibly obvious that this one selfish choice (and the affair that followed) cost him more than he could have possibly imagined.  He had to repeatedly bribe this woman's husband to stay silent, it broke his wife's heart and led her to destroy his letters, it hurt them financially, it hurt their marriage, it caused his colleagues to question his integrity, it gave his enemies ammunition, it led him to try to publicly defend this choice and hurt his reputation, it ruined his chances to climb the political ladder to Presidency, and it directly led to the death of his firstborn son (who died trying to defend his honor).  

His choice mattered more than he realized.

Giving in directly affected every dream he had in a negative way.

...And I think the chorus of people watching us from heaven right now are probably cheering for us to say no to the sins that would so gladly gradually ruin our lives if we just keep drifting and allowing them to.  I'm sure that sounds dramatic, but I'm also sure I'm not wrong.  For better or worse, these small choices have a massive ripple effect.  (I'm not calling any specific food bad or evil - just saying that I cannot afford to ignore conviction or be complacent in this area).  So even though it pains me to say it, I have to change the daily habit system and FIGHT for real freedom and victory in this area where I am far more familiar with resignation and defeat.  It is the one thing I cannot shake when I think about what to do next and what goals I need to be pursuing in 2023.

I'm re-reading Atomic Habits now - soooo good! ❤

My 2023 Goals:

1.  Read (and/or listen) through the entire Bible (I already have good habits here that make me confident I will ace this goal).

2.  Meet with Dr. Evans in January to determine next steps, then prayerfully pursue adoption in one form or another.

3.  Pray about it and set a monthly goal pursuing sanctification and spiritual maturity.

4.  Build the habit of taking an outdoor walk during my lunch hour four days a week.

5.  Be fiercely committed to building a better habit system, reminding myself that small daily changes produce big results.  Find a coach/mentor to help me set appropriate daily routines and health goals for myself, then communicate those goals and start building new habits!

Here's to changing the system in 2023, forgetting what lies behind and pressing forward to seek God's best for my life!! Prayers, encouragement, and thoughtful advice are welcome.  =)

"You will be accepted if you do what is right.
But if not, sin lies in wait before the door.
Sin wants to destroy you, but you must overcome it!"
~Genesis 4:7

Christmas & Hope

 Merry Christmas, friends and family!

I hope your Christmas weekend has been delightful!!

There were a few bittersweet moments in mine, but a lot of wonderful moments, as well.  Like I've written before, it's just a time of year where whatever you feel is heightened and amplified -- frustration, hope, disappointment, fear, love, gratitude, exhaustion, etc.  It's been a mix of all of that for me.

I spent part of Christmas Eve Eve taking Mom to the Emergency Room as she was feeling faint due to excessive blood loss.  (Her hemoglobin numbers were not quite bad enough to merit a blood transfusion, and the pills they would normally use to slow bleeding will not work when it's caused by cancer, so they basically said to be cautious and sent her home.)  It's hard not to feel anxious, but I'm working on praying whenever I start to feel worried.  Thanks to God and many praying friends, Mom is feeling stronger now, and she was able to join us for our usual family Christmas Eve and Christmas activities - very grateful for that positive turn of events! ❤

God did something really kind for me yesterday... I had been thinking about the "Green Light at the Red Sea" sermon that gave me courage to start the serious pursuit of adoption/motherhood last year, wondering if I misheard things or just wanted it so much that I imagined God was in it.  And less than 24 hours later, this was a random suggested post that popped up on Instagram, and whether the artist intended it or not, my immediate first thought was the parting of the Red Sea, and the message was kind and hopeful, and I believe that was God gently reminding me to have faith that He is with me here, even as I'm walking new ground and feeling a bit afraid/uncertain. ❤

On to a quick Christmas recap... we had lunch at Ted's then went to The Veraden (Babah's place) to open presents and take a few photos.  Here's our silliest family group pic - makes me happy!

Me and Mom on Christmas Eve morning.  ❤

Rach got us these cute hats - (T didn't wanna join the group pic, so she's wearing his.)  *Please note Rachael's "Now I have a machine gun - ho-ho-ho" Die Hard shirt - epic! lol

Our usual Christmas pancakes + bacon and eggs and orange juice!  Only this year, our "brunch" started around 1:00pm after we all slept in - yes, please!

Our family pic this morning!  My t-shirt is Dwight in a Santa hat and says, "Fact: It's Christmas." =)

This year was the Miss K's 10th Christmas with us... here's a collage from 2013 through 2021, followed by our picture together this year! ❤

A few throwback pics from Babah's pictures I scanned in early this year...  It cracks me up that we couldn't possibly crack a smile when our parents had paid for professional photos and dressed us in cute matchy Christmas clothes!  (They're pretty cute anyway, though!)

My final thought for tonight is this - our bodies, souls, and spirits are all tied together in interesting ways.  When we have big hopes that are disappointed, there is a physical aftermath to that where we feel tired and weakened.  Hence, me taking a long afternoon nap even after sleeping in yesterday and today.  Rest, prayer, sermon podcasts, and worship music have all had a strengthening effect.  And this was the "verse of the day" on the Bible App for Christmas Eve Eve, which I saw as Mom was in the hospital.  Another perfectly timed little word of encouragement!  For myself and my family and the many friends I have who are hurting or grieving this holiday season, we need renewed strength, and we can find that by placing our HOPE in JESUS!  Our eternal hope is grounded in Him, of course.  But we can also find hope in Him for this earthly life when we dwell on His unchanging love and goodness and choose to deeply trust His will and timing in our lives, while guarding our hearts against bitterness and remembering that God will bring justice in the end!!

 Praying you find renewed strength as you hope in Him today!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!! ❤

Christmas Eve Eve Memes

Fortunately, the heightened emotions I'm facing have not changed my cheesy sense of humor.  I'm laughing harder than I usually would at some of these this week!  Enjoy:

So freaking cold outside yesterday and today!!

The courthouse yesterday...

True. lol

Feels accurate.

Yes, please, to working from home!

Accurate.  Nearly didn't post this one bc looking at the cricket grosses me out. lol

Pretty accurate for me right now too.

For reals.  It's still an age that feels a bit jarring to me as I approach it, but I'm working on that!

I laughed so hard at "gets tased" on this one, then it put this song in my head!  You're welcome if that happens to you now too. lol

All right.  I'm done for now!

Happy Christmas Eve Eve, friends and fam!  I didn't create a fun Christmas card to mail out this year, but please know I am unspeakably grateful for each of you, and I hope you are doing well today and that you have a most lovely Christmas ahead!!

Still Processing...

Well, today's rough weather aligns with my mood once again.  Volatile winds, *biting* cold, and a small amount of snow that's blowing around so hard at the bottom of the street that you feel like you're driving through clouds.

My thoughts are also a bit cloudy/foggy this morning, with some volatile accusations and attacks being hurled at me -- (our enemy can be counted on there any time we're feeling down about anything).  And once again, I feel like writing might help...

As a single woman pursuing motherhood, I expected the waiting to be hard.  I expected a few plot twists and turns - that it wouldn't be a smooth or quick road.  I expected to face some judgment, feel some confusion, and have to make some hard decisions.  Check, check, check.  I fully expect the newborn baby stage to be somewhat overwhelming (assuming I adopt a newborn), and I feel pretty confident that, just like every other good parent I know, I will eventually be able to say that parenting is incredibly hard but incredibly worth it - the hardest thing ever and the best thing ever!  

What I did *not* expect was the level of rejection I am dealing with...

(Of course, rejection is a repeated theme in my life, so perhaps I should have expected it.  Relationships  and connection are vitally important to me, so that is the number one place the enemy targets me.  I'm very aware of that dynamic, and if you're a regular reader here, you probably are too.)

But all those messages are just melding together right now in the same strange way that grief tends to compound, where you feel all your past grief jumbled together when you face a new loss.

Unchosen.  Unwanted.  Unworthy.

These are the main attack words I keep hearing.  I have not been pursued romantically, and the only man I ever fell hard for abruptly cut me out of his life after I moved to be closer to him.  Good times.  My former best friend finds the idea of my company intolerable on a level that is still hard for me to comprehend. Not hard to feel, though.  And what’s happening now brings back those same feelings.  Thus far, most birth moms choosing adoption strongly prefer two-parent families, and honestly, I understand that and cannot blame them.  I just don't really know how to process it when I am dismissed as an unworthy Mom candidate because of the fact that a man hasn't chosen me.  I don't know what to do with that.  And now, it feels like God has closed the door on me having a biological child.  So I don't know where to go from here or what to hope for.  My heart is open and my home is ready, but I'm being passed by repeatedly as everyone is looking for something "better."  It's very different than prior rejections, but the emotional effect is similar.  And I know I'm resilient, but facing this repeatedly is draining.

I know in my heart that God closing the biological child door does not mean He finds me unworthy as a potential parent.  (If we're being really honest, I know that in part because of all the very fertile people who are terrible parents and the many wonderful couples who struggle with infertility.  God is clearly not handing out children based on parental merit.)

Still, in this moment, I feel unsure about whether I should keep pursuing single motherhood or try to find a new, different, still beautiful dream -- let emotions subside and then decide.  That could take me a minute...

After months of mysterious health issues, we learned late last week that Mom's uterine cancer has come back.  They have to run further tests and are not yet sure whether it will require surgery or surgery + follow-up radiation, etc.  The survival rates are high for this type of cancer, but it is still a big deal and hard news to get at Christmastime. (God alone knows what the future holds - prayers appreciated).

While watching her make individual cups of hot chocolate for the 11 kids she invited over (as they snacked on the brownies and brickle bars she also made for them), I was thinking last night about how Mom has a way of making things magical and fun... from all the amazing, sparkly Christmas decorations to going out of her way to plan fun events for us as kids, and now doing the very same for her grandkids (we took them all to the MWC lights and Rach and I walked around with them yesterday... cold, but memorable and fun for them, I'm certain - then they took them out for pizza).  

Anyway, we were always the fun house as I was growing up -- the place where our school friends and our family friends would all gather for game nights, pool parties, slumber parties, football games, etc.  So many fun shared memories, and I'm extremely grateful to have grown up in a home with loving parents who led me to Jesus.  

I want to be the kind of mom who makes things feel magical for her kids.  To create a home atmosphere where Jesus and connection and joy and fun are a regular part of our lives!!  To pray with and for them.  To cheer for them in whatever they enjoy.  To learn from them and invest my time and energy in loving them well and helping them mature and grow.  I would not have the same financial freedom or time at home, and it wouldn't all look exactly the same as my childhood, but I am convinced it could still be really wonderful.  I want to lead them in verbalizing and understanding their emotions, in seeing the world through the lens of God's love, in feeling empowered to be who God uniquely created them to be, and in knowing Jesus and growing with Him.  I think it's important and worth pursuing... so I'm praying again for God to show me the right path moving forward!

For now, I am holding onto the idea that God is not rejecting me as a mother or as His child.

My life is not without purpose.  My failures are not without purpose.

My close friends have been exceptional and kind and supportive.  

I feel honored and *incredibly grateful* to know them.

My family has been supportive, as well.  It is a gift.

I am not alone, unwanted, unchosen, or unworthy.  

I am surrounded by people who love, value, and respect me and a God who loves and sustains me.

I need a little time to heal and recover, and that is normal and okay.

I am not who I once was - my past does not define me.

I have to guard my heart and hold onto God's Word in this season.  

Hmm, writing does help!

The end.

"The LORD Himself will lead you and be with you.
He will not fail you or abandon you,
so do not lose courage or be afraid."
~Deuteronomy 31:8