Well, today's rough weather aligns with my mood once again. Volatile winds, *biting* cold, and a small amount of snow that's blowing around so hard at the bottom of the street that you feel like you're driving through clouds.
My thoughts are also a bit cloudy/foggy this morning, with some volatile accusations and attacks being hurled at me -- (our enemy can be counted on there any time we're feeling down about anything). And once again, I feel like writing might help...
As a single woman pursuing motherhood, I expected the waiting to be hard. I expected a few plot twists and turns - that it wouldn't be a smooth or quick road. I expected to face some judgment, feel some confusion, and have to make some hard decisions. Check, check, check. I fully expect the newborn baby stage to be somewhat overwhelming (assuming I adopt a newborn), and I feel pretty confident that, just like every other good parent I know, I will eventually be able to say that parenting is incredibly hard but incredibly worth it - the hardest thing ever and the best thing ever!
What I did *not* expect was the level of rejection I am dealing with...
(Of course, rejection is a repeated theme in my life, so perhaps I should have expected it. Relationships and connection are vitally important to me, so that is the number one place the enemy targets me. I'm very aware of that dynamic, and if you're a regular reader here, you probably are too.)
But all those messages are just melding together right now in the same strange way that grief tends to compound, where you feel all your past grief jumbled together when you face a new loss.
Unchosen. Unwanted. Unworthy.
These are the main attack words I keep hearing. I have not been pursued romantically, and the only man I ever fell hard for abruptly cut me out of his life after I moved to be closer to him. Good times. My former best friend finds the idea of my company intolerable on a level that is still hard for me to comprehend. Not hard to feel, though. And what’s happening now brings back those same feelings. Thus far, most birth moms choosing adoption strongly prefer two-parent families, and honestly, I understand that and cannot blame them. I just don't really know how to process it when I am dismissed as an unworthy Mom candidate because of the fact that a man hasn't chosen me. I don't know what to do with that. And now, it feels like God has closed the door on me having a biological child. So I don't know where to go from here or what to hope for. My heart is open and my home is ready, but I'm being passed by repeatedly as everyone is looking for something "better." It's very different than prior rejections, but the emotional effect is similar. And I know I'm resilient, but facing this repeatedly is draining.
I know in my heart that God closing the biological child door does not mean He finds me unworthy as a potential parent. (If we're being really honest, I know that in part because of all the very fertile people who are terrible parents and the many wonderful couples who struggle with infertility. God is clearly not handing out children based on parental merit.)
Still, in this moment, I feel unsure about whether I should keep pursuing single motherhood or try to find a new, different, still beautiful dream -- let emotions subside and then decide. That could take me a minute...
After months of mysterious health issues, we learned late last week that Mom's uterine cancer has come back. They have to run further tests and are not yet sure whether it will require surgery or surgery + follow-up radiation, etc. The survival rates are high for this type of cancer, but it is still a big deal and hard news to get at Christmastime. (God alone knows what the future holds - prayers appreciated).
While watching her make individual cups of hot chocolate for the 11 kids she invited over (as they snacked on the brownies and brickle bars she also made for them), I was thinking last night about how Mom has a way of making things magical and fun... from all the amazing, sparkly Christmas decorations to going out of her way to plan fun events for us as kids, and now doing the very same for her grandkids (we took them all to the MWC lights and Rach and I walked around with them yesterday... cold, but memorable and fun for them, I'm certain - then they took them out for pizza).
Anyway, we were always the fun house as I was growing up -- the place where our school friends and our family friends would all gather for game nights, pool parties, slumber parties, football games, etc. So many fun shared memories, and I'm extremely grateful to have grown up in a home with loving parents who led me to Jesus.
I want to be the kind of mom who makes things feel magical for her kids. To create a home atmosphere where Jesus and connection and joy and fun are a regular part of our lives!! To pray with and for them. To cheer for them in whatever they enjoy. To learn from them and invest my time and energy in loving them well and helping them mature and grow. I would not have the same financial freedom or time at home, and it wouldn't all look exactly the same as my childhood, but I am convinced it could still be really wonderful. I want to lead them in verbalizing and understanding their emotions, in seeing the world through the lens of God's love, in feeling empowered to be who God uniquely created them to be, and in knowing Jesus and growing with Him. I think it's important and worth pursuing... so I'm praying again for God to show me the right path moving forward!
For now, I am holding onto the idea that God is not rejecting me as a mother or as His child.
My life is not without purpose. My failures are not without purpose.
My close friends have been exceptional and kind and supportive.
I feel honored and *incredibly grateful* to know them.
My family has been supportive, as well. It is a gift.
I am not alone, unwanted, unchosen, or unworthy.
I am surrounded by people who love, value, and respect me and a God who loves and sustains me.
I need a little time to heal and recover, and that is normal and okay.
I am not who I once was - my past does not define me.
I have to guard my heart and hold onto God's Word in this season.
Hmm, writing does help!
The end.
"The LORD Himself will lead you and be with you.
He will not fail you or abandon you,
so do not lose courage or be afraid."
~Deuteronomy 31:8
No comments:
Post a Comment