Light is Coming!

Today is the shortest and darkest day of the year and the first official day of Winter, the Winter Solstice.  Literally the day the earth is at its maximum tilt away from the sun.

Metaphorically, the timing could not be better.  I have been sadder than I expected these last few days.  A quiet, contemplative sadness mixed with fear and pressure that isn't coming from God.  (Pressure to rally and figure out the next right step very quickly, and the irrational fear that all these changes I've been pursuing might end in colossal public failure with nothing real to show for it).  I have done my best to calm down, rest, honor the sadness and sit with the grief, not forcing toxic positivity or being fake.

And in the darkness and the stillness, hope is rising to the surface.

Winter is actually my favorite season, but my love of Winter is a bit ironic:  I love the Christmas lights that glow with color and brighten up the darkness, the cozy fireplace that warms you on a really cold night, the cheery music that breaks the dull silence, company and shared joy/play on an otherwise lonely snow day.  So I love all the warmth, light, hope, and life that gently push back against the coldness, the darkness, and the loss and death we see in nature.

There's a good reason my heart and soul are drawn to the Winter metaphor of life beneath the cold surface when all the trees look dead... I feel unusually impatient and frustrated right now, wanting the external change in my life to match the massive internal shifts I know I have experienced with God this year, seriously annoyed by how long it's all taking.  But it hasn't been for nothing - I just have to keep the faith and hold on to Jesus through this wintery part of life.

"Just remember in the Winter, far beneath the bitter snows

lies the seed that with the sun's love in the Spring becomes the rose."

A handful of the people I am closest to have reached out with wonderful words of comfort and encouragement this week, and I want to acknowledge that and say I am deeply grateful for their support!  I was nervous about sharing that, and it means a. great. deal to me to have people who love me enough to help keep me on track and build me back up when I am hurting. ❤  I'm clearly not the only one who finds myself wanting more and feeling hopeful for what 2023 might bring.  I love both the reality and the metaphor that the daylight will gradually increase from this day forward.  Light is coming, friends - maybe not as quickly as we'd prefer, but it's coming!

And now, a quick word of encouragement from yesteryear Lindsey in my post about Christmas 2013 written last year:

*Important Note:  In the midst of all these holiday festivities and the general Christmas merriment surrounding me, I was heartbroken and feeling a bit groundless during that season... fighting through the fog of depression and struggling to understand what I might have done wrong, why Malori left, why God had allowed other tragic events that year, questioning my future path and purpose, etc.  I had just completed my Bachelor's Degree program at SNU, and I was pretty sad to miss my graduation ceremony due to a crazy snow day in early December, and even sadder to still feel confused about my path going forward.  My sense of belonging felt pretty shattered in the aftermath of my best friend cutting me out of her life — there was confusion and shame mingled with such. intense. grief. where I often found myself wanting to be alone when I was surrounded by people, then wishing I had more people there any time I was alone with my thoughts for very long.  So many parts of my life felt unfinished and messy and unspeakably HARD that year, and the general pressure to be merry at Christmas didn't help…

All that to say, it's okay not to be okay.  We all go through holiday seasons where the pain and loss we've experienced feel louder and more amplified than all the seasonal joys around us.  If that's you this year, I'm genuinely sorry.  You're not alone.  Be kind to yourself.  And give yourself grace to feel it all -- the good stuff and the messy grief around whatever you have lost.  It matters, and your heart matters.

Without being fake or forcing something that doesn't ring true for you, I would also gently encourage you to participate whenever you're up for it, and to try to take a few photos along the way of the people and things that bring you any sense of joy!  ...If I were just pondering it and looking back over my 2013 holidays without any pictures from that season, my main memory would be the searing emotional pain that overshadowed my ability to fully appreciate some of the wonderful things right there in that time period.  But these pictures help to remind me that there was beauty, and God was with me, and many wonderful people I love were there for me even in the midst of great loss.  This blog helps me with that, as well.

 

So that's my quick encouragement to snap a few Christmas photos or keep a little gratitude journal, even if it's been a terrible year that you'll be glad to wave goodbye to.  In my experience, the worst memories and emotions usually soften over time, then the good memories and photos from those days will shine even brighter to you because you know how much the little joys and kindnesses mattered in that hard season!  Something to think about.

❤ ❤ ❤

Praying you know you are loved and have many moments of joy and light this Christmas season!!

Song of the Week = Great is Thy Faithfulness by Carrie Underwood and CeCe Winans ...enjoy!