Mosaic

In my early young adult days, I can picture my heart/identity as a lovely glass jar - muted colors, understated, nice enough, but usually overlooked.  I myself certainly failed to see the full value or beauty in it.  I just wanted to find a better and brighter jar to rest and hide in.  But God saw me and treasured me.  He was completely capable of strengthening my identity and preserving that jar without a scratch... but instead of centering my heart in Him and standing secure in His grip, I placed it in the hands of the first person who really saw me, believing they might value me enough to hold on forever.  In spite of my efforts to shine and be worthy, the jar was dropped and badly cracked and chipped before being picked up by a new best friend... and eventually discarded completely.  

The pre-existing wounds and cracks did not help.  Fragile as my heart and identity were at that point, this did not result in minor scratches - I was shattered in a way that seemed irreparable to me.  My cozy life that once felt relatively shiny and smooth was now a pile of darker colors and broken shards with razor sharp edges.  Without intending to, I felt like I cut anyone who got too close to me, and I felt helpless and stuck in the dirt where I had landed... (*Of course, I tried to sort through why I was dropped, but the simple truth is, my heart and identity were never intended for another human being to fully carry.)

And in that broken and messy state, questioning the value of life and feeling ready to give up, GOD still saw me and treasured me.  He saw what I could be when I had no idea.  He protected me with a circle of amazing friends.  And He cared enough to bend down and pick up all the pieces, even the ones others had overlooked and stepped on.  He gradually softened my sharpest edges and shined up what was covered over with dirt and mud.  Piece by piece, He did something that still feels miraculous to me.  The love of Jesus became the glue as God pieced together a new mosaic work of art, integrating every piece of my story - the good memories, the hard seasons, the losses, the lessons, the relationships - melding it into something much stronger and more resilient, grounded in Jesus Himself.  The colors have become richer and more vibrant as I grew closer to Him and learned to abide IN HIM.  And the best part is, He's not done with me yet - I am both a masterpiece created by the hand of God AND a work in progress, submitting to His timing and trusting Him to shape me and add and subtract certain things as life moves forward... knowing the love of Jesus will always hold me together... and understanding in a deeper, experiential way that "Apart from Him, I can do nothing." (John 15:5)

To my core group of friends, thank you for supporting me in my darkest seasons... that powerless depression, sharp grief, jaded suicidality, low self-worth, and lack of purpose all feels like a very distant memory today (thank God).  But those deep waters were real and scary... I was not well, and I needed help to wade through them.  I can only feel humility and gratitude for God's grace when I pause to consider what might have been.  So thanks for consistently pointing me back to JESUS... to faith, hope, joy, and love.  Thank you for representing Him well by showing up and actually drawing closer to me when I was brokenhearted, proving faithful in good times and bad.  I love and appreciate you - I'm grateful every single minute, and I feel that in a "my cup runneth over" kind of way lately... more on that next weekend.

I'm also grateful to see myself more clearly now - to value my own heart and identity for the one-of-a-kind treasure they are, and to be happily busy cultivating a more meaningful life story!  ...I'm also thankful for God's amazing gift of redemptive beauty ("beauty for ashes," you might say) that shows us it can actually be more powerful and inspiring to see something that was torn up and hidden being pieced back together and unveiled... something once fragile becoming resilient and shatterproof... and something that was viewed as trash in one setting becoming a treasure in another! ❤❤❤

The mosaic metaphor is powerful and personal for me.  So it makes me happy to have the above (a great moment from the final episode of Ted Lasso) on my office wall and board of empowerment. =)

Love this song, and it fits with the Jesus holding me together and integrating every piece of my story into something beautiful theme... 

Okay, that's all my cheesy metaphors for today. =)  Much love to all of you!