I had my first in-person appointment with Dallas IVF today: initial testing + lab work + sonogram to prepare for the embryo adoption process. (Due to the embryo adoption laws in Oklahoma and the clinics partnered with the Snowflakes program, Texas is the best option, despite these appointments not being covered by my insurance plan.) My first time driving to Frisco went well - only a 2.5 hour trip from my house, and I didn't have to get into the heart of the intimidating Dallas traffic. Physically, I feel fine and didn't even have to deal with the potential minor-cramping side effects he had mentioned.
Emotionally, I feel like I've hit a wall and had the wind knocked out of me. Of course, me being me, this has me thinking hard about marathon metaphors... "Hitting the wall, simply put, is when your body runs out of fuel for faster running. Your body slows down, your legs feel heavy, and it requires a lot of mental and physical effort to keep moving forward. You can train to avoid hitting the wall in a marathon, but it's almost a rite of passage for every marathoner." (-Whitney, full post HERE)
When you're in mile 20 of a grueling marathon, any hurdle or obstacle standing in your path is going to feel more like a wall, and collecting the necessary strength and energy to move through it and stay the course will feel more challenging and draining than it would have at the very beginning. I'm tired, and I've spent so much time, energy, and MONEY on this dream with very little to show for it. And now I'm being told that I have to have surgery beforehand if I want to proceed with trying for an embryo adoption. (It's a relatively minor surgery to remove a uterine polyp, but this news doesn't feel minor to me in this moment, and it throws into sharp question why this initial testing procedure was never performed last year - not that there is much value in dwelling on that now.)
But also, I'm genuinely physically tired right now, not at my best for thinking rationally and/or making big decisions. In spite of my initial questioning whether it’s worth it and whether I really want to go through with this, I know in my heart that I do and I will... this is a small hurdle, not a wall, not a closed door. Just something the enemy hoped would be enough to dishearten and stop me. God could still choose to close the door further down the road, but I want to know I've done everything in my power to move toward motherhood, and we're not there yet.
I saved this post from Christine Caine earlier this week, and it was encouraging for me this morning.
Whether I was created to be a mother remains to be seen, and yes, that unknown factor scares me a little... but at minimum, I was created to be someone who gets back up every time she is knocked down, someone willing to push through obstacles in order to live a meaningful life, someone who follows God with resilient faith and expectant hope!
Stasi Eldredge posted this one... "strengths you've yet to fully grasp and a story that's still being written by the divine Author Himself" is encouraging right now.
So right now, I'm gonna let myself cry about all this because that's already happening as I'm typing - it was hard news to get in the middle of so much forward momentum and progress toward adoption - and I'm going to take a much-needed nap because I'm fully exhausted, and the homework can wait one more day!
But after that, I'm going to pull it together and go to my preshface niece's 10th birthday party! I'm going to lean into God's grace, focus on my why, and push forward, fully believing God is good... and His timing is good... and He is with me and for me... and He has good things in store... and He is worth following even on days when all of that feels a bit hollow!!
❤ ❤ ❤
Happy 11th Anniversary to Jon and Kristin today!! Kristin is a genuine woman of God with a lot of faith and wisdom, my longest-lasting Tulsa connection, and my only friend who's included me in her wedding party, which was a real honor. I remember that she let us all choose our own bridesmaid dresses, and three of us chose the same one (me, Laura, and Liz). lol Anyway, I sincerely love her and Jon and Miles and Hope, and I'm praying for God's continued blessing on their family as Jon recovers!! ❤
Song of the Week = This I Know by Lydia Laird
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