Lately...

Today marks the 2-year anniversary of Grandad's death.  I texted with Babah a bit, and I just read through THIS POST again, filled with lots of details from the week he passed away.  I'm thankful I wrote it all down... this blog helps me remember so many things I might otherwise forget...

I found this picture last month... I don't know where we are or who the kid on the far left is -- any ideas, Mom? -- but then it's Blake, me, and Rachael with Grandad babysitting us! ❤

A newer random picture that I saved because Chet's caption about Parker preferring to chew on his fingers instead of her own made me laugh!  Cuteness!

David sent me this pic of the best tiny puff girlfranz living their best lives this summer! lol

And Lindsay sent me this one of Miss Wavy J playing with the bear I got her! =)

The niece and nephews started back to school on Wednesday.  I love stuff like this, so I encouraged Mom to get this pose again with the boys, and she came through!  Jace Michael is one-year-old in the top picture, and Carter and Triston are 5 and 6.  The middle one is Jace's first day at CHA Pre-K, and Carter and Triston's first day of 3rd and 4th grade!  In the bottom photo, J is the same age as Carter in the middle one (starting third grade this year).  Carter is starting Junior High and Triston is in 8th grade this year.  (So the next photo in succession here will be in 2025, Triston's Senior year, Carter's Junior year, and Jace starting 7th grade!  Kinda crazy!)

 

 

This = Kyndal Faith with her teacher, Mrs. Anderson, Jace and a friend whose name I forgot, Rach and the kids super early the first morning (T had to be at CHA for football practice at 7am), and Kyndal with her friend, Dylan!

And finally, the pictures Mom ordered to go above Rachael's couch came in, and Dad helped her hang them... cute!  We chose ones where they were standing by a tree, and I like that effect!

*If you are reading this, please take a quick moment to pause and pray for my niece and my nephews... that God would protect their precious hearts, minds, and bodies in a season filled with turmoil and loss and confusion.  That they would know they are loved and safe and going to be okay.  I cannot share details, but the high-conflict situation continues to escalate, and it has been a lot for the adults to process lately, and I'm certain it is harder on them and more difficult to understand and respond to at their ages.  But I know God sees them and loves them and cares about their lives, so prayers would be helpful and appreciated!  Thank you. ❤

AFD on Singleness

Annie F. Downs did a lengthy Q&A podcast on Singleness this week.  She's a Christian author and speaker who lives with a God-centered joy and hope and confidence as a single woman.  And as someone who's walking a similar road about five years behind her, I really appreciate her insight on this topic!  Below are some quotes from that podcast that I wanted to take the time to write down and remember...

 

I am really paying attention to who I listen to right now.  I have a lot of friends that have a lot of good opinions about my life and about things I'm walking through, but I'm also going: When you say that, what have I seen in the rest of your life?  And how do I know you're connecting with God right now?  And how have I seen you trustworthy in the past?

I don't think you have to believe that you are called to singleness unless you feel that and feel like that's what God has put on your heart.  I think we're allowed to desire every day until God either meets our desire or He meets us...  I do not think there is an age you have to stop hoping.  Because the real question is:  When do I have to stop hoping?  And the answer is: don't.  Never stop hoping unless your desire changes.  We will not be a group of friends who are without hope!

We can redirect the conversation from a place of love.  Understand that no one is approaching you about your singleness because they want to rub in your face that you do not have something.  They are walking toward you because they care.  So just be direct... Communication is the key.  Being a good communicator on behalf of your own heart is really important.  Let's remember that our dating and married friends were at one point single, and they are really trying.  They are not trying to be trite or trying to be discouraging.  Some of them have been married half their lives, and they do not know what it's like to be single here (at this age).  God has heard you every time you pray.  He cares about every detail of your life.  And it is in His heart to give you the story that will make you have the life that brings Him the most glory and that brings you a lot of joy and moves the gospel forward!

Your feelings can ride, but they don't get to drive.  You can feel left out and hurt, but then you tell yourself the truth!  No one else is getting what God has for you.  Everyone is getting what God has for them.  Not one of my friends has married the man I'm supposed to be with.  No one is birthing a child that you were meant to birth.  No one has been given the gift from God that God has for me.  So with some sadness and pain and feelings, I can celebrate what God has given them because I want God to give everyone the thing they want.  My story is my story, and God is not messing up my story and doing someone else's right.  We have an abundance mindset here: God has enough good things for all of us!

Q:  How do I know if I should be dating or if I should just embrace my singleness?
A:  What do you want to do?  If you want to be dating, be dating.  Are you totally happy being single right now?  Trust it.  Trust your body, trust your heart, trust your mind if you are walking with Jesus.  You can trust yourself.  And the longer you are a person, the better you'll know yourself.  If you don't want to put yourself out there, don't.  You are totally welcome to not date again.  No one is making you be in relationship if you don't want to be.  Trust yourself...  You are not going to miss what God has for you if you feel exhausted with dating, if you feel tired of dating, if you are hurt.  Overarching, no matter what, you are not going to miss God's best plan for you if you are pursuing God's best plan for you and if you say to Him, I want in my life what You have for me!

When you try to kill hope, you actually kill a lot of other things in you.  If you cut off the bottom feelings, you're cutting off the top ones too.  And I don't know you, so I cannot imagine why you wouldn't be good enough for someone to marry.  Because you are made in the image of God, and you are lovely in a thousand ways.  I guarantee that, because God doesn't make mistakes, and He doesn't make people that are not lovely in many ways.

I think everybody has body image issues.  He's not looking for a toned-down version of me or a smaller version of me.  When someone is taking you on dates, choose to believe you are attractive to them.  Be as healthy as you can, but release the pressure to look a certain way.  He wants to be with you, so don't show up trying to be anybody else.  Be all the way you!

Let me tell you what is actually true:  No one will love me as long or as well as Jesus loves me.  And I don't know that I would've known that at 20.  But my primary relationship through the rest of my life is with Jesus.   Because whoever comes along next will not live my 20s and 30s with me, and they did not know me as a kid, most likely.  So I have learned very profoundly that Jesus is the primary relationship of my life!  I'm in pretty constant communication with God.  I feel so lucky that I can process every moment of every relationship with God... I'm not alone.  He's right there with me.  So I'm constantly praying because I'm constantly processing.  The person you can trust the most to handle your pain the best is God.  Be a good communicator with God!

When you're an adult living on your own, you can start thinking about what rhythms you want to have.  You may want to spend certain holidays with your friend community.  But if you want to be with your family for every holiday, do that!  They love you and they know you.  It isn't, like, I have to stop being at these holidays in order to be a grown-up.  No, you don't.  Do what you want to do and what feels healthiest for you!  Something I say a lot is: Wherever I am, I am all there.  Of course I battle the lie that I'm missing out... and truly, you are missing out on wherever you aren't.  So that is not a lie that you're missing out.  What you have to deal with is the lie that you are in the wrong place.

I have a sister who is married with a child, and of our group of sibling and cousin relationships, multiple are married, and I'm the oldest.  I'm the firstborn of that side of our family.  It is hard, and I had to work through some things with God and in counseling.  But I worked through them so that by the time we were standing next to each other, there was joy.  And I will say again, no one has gotten the spouse that God has for me!

Don't give up on the church because they have not handled your life stage very well.  Most of our pastors are men who got married when they were 22.  They got married young and went to seminary years ago when singleness was not as prominent in the church as it is now.  Most of them don't know what to do.  So feel your sadness and disappointment in your local expression of the church not doing what you wish they would... and then start fixing it.  The best thing you can do is be a part of the solution.  A lot of people are disappointed in the church for different reasons.  The solution is, if you want to see something change in the community you live in, start being a part of changing it!

I love my life!  I'm content in my life.  I also do not have everything I want.  Both are actually true...  I could live this life as it has grown and changed for the rest of my life.  I have things that I really want and I will continue to hope for.  So that's how contentment has played out in my life: I have built a life that I love, and I still have things that I want.

All of us could be dating anyone right now if we dated anyone.  But there's something you care about that you have not found yet.  So keep waiting for the thing you're looking for.   If you had no standards, you know today where you could go find someone to date you, to sleep with you, to probably marry you.  But that's not what we're looking for.  So consider settling - I'd suggest you consider it so that you know why you don't want to!

Your words have the power of life and death.  If the context is, I am saying something that is not life-giving because I'm afraid or because I'm hurt, don't speak that stuff out loud.  Speak life over yourself:  I'm available to relationship.  I am working on my mental and emotional and spiritual and physical health, and that is going to make me better in relationship than I would have been yesterday.  I am open to meeting someone new.  I am available for relationship.  I am not married yet, but I hope to be.  I do not have kids yet, but I hope to.  Using that life-giving language affects the world you live in.

Sometimes I pace back and forth in my hallway, and I say out loud:  "God, You are kind.  God, You are good.  God, You are for me.  God, You are working everything out according to Your will.  God, You care about every detail of my life."  ...And my hope stands on top of those sentences.  Every single one of these questions, the question under the question is: Does God love me, and does He see me? And am I going to be okay?  So what I would say to you, friends, is God loves you.  And God sees you.  And you are going to be okay.  I promise in the long run, you are going to be okay.  There is not one story in my life in any area where I have not been able to look back on when it was done and say, that was God, and that was His kindness... even if I lost a relationship or a person or in tragedy, He still is God, and He is kind! ❤❤❤

~Annie F. Downs, TSF Q&A: Singleness podcast, released on 8-18-21

The Little Promptings

The collage below is of Grandad and Audie.  Audie is Mom and JoBug's cousin who lived with them in the summers as they were all growing up.  He and his family live in Colorado, so we don't get to see them very often... but just over three years ago, he said he had a strong feeling that he needed to come see Babah and Grandad (or as they call them, "Uncle Kenneth and Aunt Dang").  He rallied his brothers and sister, and they came to surprise them for a long weekend visit, which you can read more about HERE.

 

 

It was a really great time with them that meant a lot to Babah and Grandad.  And one of my favorite moments was on this day three years ago when Bryce spoke up after dinner at JoBug's, saying really kind things about Grandad and honoring his influence in all of their lives (bottom left photo below).  He said they all wanted to come down and see them because sometimes people wait too long to say the important things, and they wanted him and Babah to know how much they mean to them. Grandad, being the tenderhearted person that he is, teared up several times that night, but he wasn't alone... it was emotional and meaningful to all of us.

 

 

We had a family breakfast together the next morning at Virginia's Cafe, then they all headed back home... 

 

A few short months later, Grandad had a terrible stroke.  And one year and two days after their visit, he passed away.  Then Audie and Bill (the brother of Audie and Bryce who also came for Grandad's 90th birthday party) came back to serve as pallbearers at his funeral.

I didn't fully appreciate the timing of all that until I saw the memories on Google Photos this morning.  But I so distinctly remember Audie talking about how he had a strong feeling that he needed to come and visit them... and I believe that was clearly a nudge from the Holy Spirit.  And it was a really good reminder for me to pay attention to those gentle promptings:  When you feel led to help or visit someone, follow through on it.  And when you think something good or kind about someone, say it!  I'm so glad they didn't put it off longer.  I'm so grateful that Grandad and Babah got to enjoy that visit while they were both healthy and well.  Things can change rapidly, and none of us know what the future holds.  But God does, and He cares about us, so it is greatly to our benefit to pay attention and listen for His voice and follow His leading when we feel an unshakable sense of urgency or prompting from His Spirit!! ❤

That's about all I've got for today.  

Here's a quick slideshow from that gathering in 2018:

 

"The Spirit is the one who gives life!  Human strength can do nothing.  The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life."  ~John 6:63

"To those who use well what they are given, even more will be given, and they will have an abundance.  But from those who are unfaithful, even what little they have will be taken away."  ~Matthew 25:29

WandaVision

*Spoiler alert for anyone who cares and hasn't watched this show yet.

Back in March, I had a week where I really felt like I was making great progress and getting "over" the biggest waves of grief.  Then a couple days later, I found myself sobbing to the point of exhaustion through the last few minutes of WandaVision... You watch as she releases her grip on everything she has been holding in and holding together throughout the series, finally acknowledging that the life she dreamed of and hoped for cannot ever become her reality.  

(To very briefly summarize the backstory, Wanda was in love with Vision and they had plans for a life together, then he was killed and she witnessed his death.  She was so traumatized by the loss that she used her powers to subconsciously manifest a false reality where she controls everything and keeps a version of him alive.  In the final episode, she describes her creation as the piece of him that lives inside her.  "You are my sadness and my hope, but mostly, you are my love.")

The grief emotions in this show were intense and well-portrayed.  I adore Elizabeth Olsen.

Through the first eight episodes, you get to see very clearly the full life and family and lovely home she had always longed for (all portrayed through different sitcoms because she's subconsciously controlling this alternate reality, and she had always loved watching those family-centered shows as a young child who was grieving the loss of some of her family members...)

After an epic battle with her enemy in the final episode, Vision tells her, "I know you'll set things right... but not for us."  And she looks at him with so much sadness and says, "No, not for us."  Because setting things right means coming back to reality and really letting him go.  And that scene where the sitcom-perfect world she created begins to rapidly fade out and turn back into present reality, gradually moving in toward their home in the center of town and culminating with him and their children and home slowly disappearing before her eyes... then she is suddenly standing there alone in the vacant lot where they had planned to build this home and have this amazing, vibrant life together -- that. was. ROUGH.

And that breathtaking moment struck me as such an excellent depiction of all that loss and grief take from us.  The sense of loss reaches into our past, present, and future.  We lose the joy we find in reminiscing together over a collection of shared memories, the present-day relationship connection and support, and our preferred vision for our lives as we move forward.  A big part of grief involves letting go of the vast myriad of future things you've longed for that no one else typically sees or understands.  This is why our losses may seem relatively insignificant and small to others while they feel overwhelming and incalculable to us. 

In grief, we are often hyper-aware of all that might have been.  It's incredibly hard and confusing, so the grief process is now portrayed as a messy mix of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance rather than a linear set of ordered steps.  If you've been there, you know.  (And if you don't, do your best to be loving and avoid judgment.)  While those on the outside tend to miss it completely or only see the quiet emptiness of our grief, we hold in our minds and hearts the full-fledged idealized future version of the connection we cherished, a relationship that ended before we were ready to say goodbye. 

A stranger casually sifting through the archives of this blog could tell you pretty quickly that I place a high value on relational connection (growing with God, family, niece and nephews, friends, and in self-awareness).  Cultivating authentic close friendships is one of the most meaningful parts of my life purpose.  There is no promotion or hobby or accomplishment that ever comes close to replacing deeply personal relationships.  And regardless of your stage of life, it is always profoundly sad to lose your best friend.  This still qualifies as the most painful and confusing loss I have endured thus far, which I ironically wrote about here only two days before we reconnected in 2019.

 

(Fun bonfire night with the lifegroup, Galentines craft night, 3D movie day, her birthday dinner, 2009 roommate pic, TU Law School graduation, Vegas fountains on the VCGO trip, summer convertible drive, Central Park in NYC, Red Rock dinner for Chet's birthday, Maroon 5 & OneRepublic concert with Chet and Sarah, Big Cedar trip with Ruth and Charlotte, our 2nd Vegas trip for Bill and Jill's wedding, my birthday, Cassie's wedding, and a random casino hangout when her sister was in town)

Trusting God does not stop hard things from being painful, unfortunately.  I have been in survival mode more often than I'd like since January, with my emotions always close to the surface and needing extra sleep and time to recharge.  This grief journey has been intense for me.  It’s haunting when you know and long for what might have been - when that is such a clear and vivid picture in your mind, real only to you perhaps, but that hope was very real.  That stuff matters, and I think it's what can make grief so heartbreaking and isolating and lonely... having this alternate version of your future that will most likely remain unseen and unknown by others, even those closest to you.  When you least expect it, you 'connect' with the person you've lost in dreams.  The love you feel for them perseveres long after they are 'gone,' and it can all be a lot to process.  That's why we need someone to witness our grief, to care enough to simply be compassionately present with us and allow us to feel it all.  We all want to feel seen and cared for in our pain, and simply mentioning it here helps me feel less alone with the full weight of this heartbreak.  As Mr. Rogers wisely put it, "Anything mentionable is manageable."

It's become comical to me now to remember that I thought the worst of my grief was over two months in.  I watched that final episode of WandaVision the morning it came out, not realizing it would wreck me emotionally.  And as I redid all the makeup I'd cried off before going in to work that morning, I had a realization that this is probably why grief comes to us in waves...

Because feeling it all at once would drown us.

Grief can be unexpectedly heavy, but God is gracious. Those waves are coming in slower now, and I am certainly not in a dark place or hopeless mindset.  Having walked a very similar broken road before helps me remember which potholes to avoid, and I am working with God and my counselor to keep myself in a much healthier place this time.  I am more secure and grounded in reality, so the emotional pendulum swing has been far less intense.  Meaning I am better able to acknowledge her humanity and imperfections without villainizing her, and able to honor her significant role in my life without glorifying her.  I'm grateful for that progress and for the way God has been at work in this situation -- past, present, and future.  (One final post on this topic coming next week.)

For now, I'm reminded of these lyrics from my favorite hymn:

"Be still, my soul.

The waves and winds still know

His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below."

That comforting lyric applies to the waves of our grief, too.  When we call on Him in times of extreme turbulence, Jesus will step in and calm our weary hearts...

"Peace.  Be still." ❤

MM ~ "Pool Parties" of 2021

Today's Memory Monday is all the super-fun "pool parties" hosted by Chet and Karli in the summer of 2021! lol

Twice in a row now, the planned pool party and cookout fun was drastically altered due to rainy weather.  Sad day.  (Still fun get-togethers with friends, but not so much on the grilling out and swimming and enjoying the sunshine!)

This is our group pic from Friday night... the Wilsons, the Shoemakers, the Fultons, and the Lindsey! lol ❤  Lots of fun friends and mini-BFFs featured here!

The outdoor dinner plan was changed to a pizza party... Karli made salad and fruit pizza and cookies, and they ordered pizza and cheesy bread from Dominoes... YUM!  

I also made Oreo balls, which are always a big hit with Chet and Mark... and Tate! =)

A happy little Parker Elizabeth and her Mom!

Tate called us all in to join him for the excitement, then prepared himself for the sound of the cuckoo clock. lol

Tiniest bird ever... but the red eyes do make it look aggressive! lol

After dinner and dessert and a lovely piano performance by Tate, we watched The Office and hung out and talked in their living room for a bit!

That afternoon, I had showered and then thrown my wet hair into a messy bun and put on my swimsuit and flip-flops and waterproof mascara, all ready to just jump right in the pool.  Then I started hearing thunder right as I was about to spray on sunscreen and bug repellant... by the time I changed and started driving, it was a serious, traffic-stopping, torrential downpour of rain and lightning!  If I hadn't been on the phone with Mom, I would've totally snapped a pic of Chet coming outside with two umbrellas to walk me to their garage. lol  So nice!

And just for good measure, here's a pic from his birthday "pool party" a couple weeks back! lol  (A cool and overcast day where their pool was green from the storm the day before, and my shoes were sinking into the mud as we took this picture.)

Chet's decided that calling it a pool party has jinxed it, so the next event will be labeled a low-key game night and we'll all bring swimsuits just in case. lol  Perhaps we'll get a last official swim party soon, or maybe the moment has passed and the weather will cooperate better in 2022!!

Birthday Fun!

The Miss K chose Saltgrass Steakhouse for her 8th birthday dinner... here's a pic of our table, minus Mom, who was taking this picture!

And one of Kyndal Faith with her Mom and Aunt Lindsey! =)

Rachael's hair got caught on Kyndal's glasses when she hugged her at the end of us singing Happy Birthday... the video of that moment made me laugh!

"Nom-nom for us, David!" ;-)

We spent a good part of her birthday afternoon with the kids playing at Urban Air... kinda fun to watch this one! lol  That's K jumping over the bar then getting ready to duck when the next one comes around.

She's a brave one!

Hahaha and a girl who appreciates a good photo op!! lol ❤❤

Rach got this fun yard sign for her that morning... love it!

Me and the Miss K at Olive Garden lunch after LifeChurch yesterday!

I failed to think of anything early enough, so we made a Target run so she could pick out her own birthday gift(s) from me!  That was entertaining and fun, though, and there is no shortage of things she wants... so I may just plan on doing this again next time.  

Whether it's fashion or toys, she's so much more opinionated than I was at her age, and I love that.  I very much enjoyed watching her shop and talk about all the things she loves and try to decide what she wanted most! =)

One of the presents she chose was a fake ice cream parlor... there are cones and cups and a magnetic scoop, and they all stay together magnetically, so she and Jace made us several orders of ice cream and coffee (from her fake coffee shop set). lol

I meant to get a picture of all 3 of them, but they got stencil tattoos and all had a rose on their forearm!  I told Kyndal I loved her tattoo, and she quickly assured me that it wasn't a real one. lol

Yesterday was the day of two Olive Garden meals for me! lol  Kristin and I had fully planned to go to Swadley's for a BBQ dinner, but they're a Christian company that closes on Sunday.  (Nice for them; sad for us.)  But I love Olive Garden, and I got something different for dinner.  They also had 25-cent wine samples of a sweet pink Moscato wine, so cheers to that!

I always love a good cheers-ing pic. lol

All in all, a fun birthday weekend for the Miss K, and I was happy to close it out with a 3-hour dinner + dessert + good conversation with Kristin!!

Choosing Life

I know I've said it before, but it's very important to me that my close friends and family know I am committed to choosing life for myself and encouraging that in others.  I have zero desire to die or to speed up my death date, whether we're talking literally or just joking about it... it's not something I'm able to joke about or take lightly anymore.  I went through a dark season over a decade ago where I battled with real suicidal thoughts and depression and made inappropriate jokes about euthanasia.  It was a poor choice then and certainly not something I want to be defined by now or in the future.  I have since wholeheartedly course-corrected and done my best to express that repeatedly and sincerely over the past 8 years.  It's a matter of life and death, and I want to speak and write words of life and hope.  God has been faithfully working with me for several years to correct my perspective and massively change my heart there.

In the wake of the most significant loss I have ever experienced eight years ago, holding baby Kyndal Faith about a month after her birth marked a significant turning point for me in strengthening my resolve there, as I've written about a few times here on the blog already.  One of the more important books I've read this year was called Hope Always: How to be a Force for Life in a Culture of Suicide.  This is a subject I deeply care about for personal reasons and because I am sensitive to spiritual warfare and to the deep pain of others.  I know what it feels like to be in extreme pain and feel unseen and unheard, and I want people to know that they are seen and they matter to God and their lives have intrinsic value.  I want to be someone who listens well and validates emotions and understands the darkness, but gently encourages hope and light and life in others.  

This was meaningful growth for me, so I have written about it several times.  In 2014, I created a personal survival kit in case of need in any future crisis... "Choose Life" was my theme for the year of 2017 and I wrote a lot about it then... I wrote more about it when Grandad was suffering in the hospital two years ago and I wrestled with some life-and-death questions on behalf of others.  You can find several of those posts under the Choose Life label HERE.  

But on this day when we're celebrating the life of my precious one and only niece, I'll take this as yet another opportunity to say:  No matter what the future holds for me, I am committed to choosing life as long as it's within my power to do so.  I want to honor God with my life and with my death.  I know I will spend eternity with Jesus, so I do not fear death, but I also know that my life belongs to Him and He is the one with the authority to number my days and choose the timeline!  I know that I matter to Him, and I trust His heart and timing for me.  And I sincerely hope you will do the same.  God cares for you, and He is always present.  Other people often misunderstand our hearts and get it very wrong in the way they respond to our pain, but Jesus understands your losses and the depth of your pain in a way no one else can, and He knows how to bind your wounds and bring real peace and healing.  There really is life and hope and light on the other side of death and despair and darkness.

I believe that's all I have for today.

Hope you're having a lovely weekend, friends and fam! ❤