Today is the fourth anniversary of Grandad's first day in heaven... I'm reflecting back on what that week looked like for us here, and I decided to repost this recap from 2019:
I'm thankful that I was already off work on Wednesday because Judge had court in Okemah. Babah texted us at 10:07 AM saying that Grandad was unresponsive and not doing well. She said the nurse had just come and gone and told them it could be anywhere from 2 hours to one week... Mom and I talked on the phone about that, then Mom called me again at 11:51 to tell me, "Grandaddy died." (She was doing okay till she said it out loud. That's always hard - that and watching other people hurting/grieving.) I asked her if it was okay to post that, then I gathered some of my favorite photos and made a Facebook post. Then I quickly got ready and headed to Babah and Grandad's house in Edmond. By the time I got there, they had already taken his body away. I think I'm glad I missed that part. Mom and JoBug and Babah had already cried together, so the mood when I arrived was unexpectedly calm, and everyone was already in funeral-planning mode. Grandad's empty hospital bed was sitting in the middle of their living room, and their wall was filled with sweet colorbook pictures from Kyndal Faith and great photo collages Mom had made for him.
I hugged Babah and told her I loved her a lot. It was me, Mom, Babah, JoBug, Randi Kaye (a kind family friend who's been helping take care of him since he came home from the hospital), and Virginia (Babah's best friend) there. At one point, JoBug said, "Hey, what about the obituary!?" and it was just quiet for a minute. I said, "I'll write it, unless one of you would like to do it!" They all seemed to have no interest, so that was my first assignment, and something I felt very honored to do. (I think it was God's timing for me to watch The Last Word recently to help prepare me here. ❤) Babah picked out the clothes for Grandad to be buried in and asked me to take them to our house (the funeral was in Midwest City, and Babah stayed with Mom and Dad from Wednesday through today). They talked about funeral details (and the crazy expense of all of that) while I quietly looked through old pictures and scrapbooks... some real gems that I hadn't seen in a while, including this little book I made for him in 6th grade, so apparently I've been writing "tributes" for 23 years. ;-)
Me (dressed up as Snow White), with Rach and Blake eating Grandad's chocolate chip cookie dough and not caring enough to smile for the camera. lol
❤
Random detail, but the 21st was "mismatch day" at Deer Creek on Wednesday, so JoBug came straight from school and had on two different shoes and a striped shirt with paisley shorts.
His favorite belt buckle from a 1976 horse show, and the shirt and jeans Babah chose for him to wear. That's something I'd never thought much about before, but the idea of choosing the clothes for someone to be buried in was sobering to me.
An old-school pic of Mom and JB in their college years.
Old-school pic of the grandkids at Christmas. =)
I was very focused on how Mom was doing when she called to tell me this news. And I didn't cry then or while I was collecting the pictures and writing my post. But I checked FB at a stoplight on my drive and saw Emily's post... and her words immediately made me tear up. (She is eight years younger, so when Grandad babysat me, Rach, and Blake, we were all close in age and had each other to play with... but when he babysat Emily, we were all in school, and it was the just the two of them together most of the time.)
I brought the clothes to Mom and Dad's. The Parrishes came by for a bit - Rachael told the kids, but they didn't really grasp the gravity of it. They were playing and being loud, and Babah was in a quiet daze looking frail and exhausted, so Rach took the kids on home. It was much quieter then, and Babah and I talked for a bit. She told me that a chaplain came by to pray with them after the nurse left that morning. JoBug was there but had stepped outside to take a phone call. Babah and Randi Kaye were holding Grandad's hands on either side, and he passed away during the chaplain's prayer. That feels like a sacred moment and a God-thing to me.
...I went back to Tulsa and spent several hours that night reading through the Grandad interview I did for a college class in 2012 and writing his Obituary. Thursday morning was ca-razy in court, but we had the afternoon pretty free, and Judge gave me Friday off. Mom and I worked together on submitting the long and short version of his obituary, choosing the best photo and verse for his funeral program, planning the pre-funeral lunch and the post-funeral gathering at Mom and Dad's, cleaning and getting her house crowd-ready, and choosing pictures (a max of 60) and songs (3) for his funeral slideshow. Between Wednesday and Thursday, we called each other 30 times. I talked to Rach a lot too, and we all texted back and forth about ideas for the chalkboard she was making as a surprise for Babah (who loved it and teared up over it and showed everyone at the funeral lunch). Dad stepped up, of course, and helped clean and take care of Babah and get all the food (sooo much food), drinks, etc.
Babah and Grandad pre-planned and prepaid for a lot of their funerals several years back, and still, there were sooo many details to think through and so much involved in the planning and preparing. It's a lot to do, and I had heard that before, but it was more than I expected. A thousand small decisions, but you want to honor the person and do everything right and not rush through it. I think we will be able to feel the loss and emotions more this coming week because we were all pretty exhausted and ready to crash by the time everyone left around 6:30 yesterday. (I drove back home to be able to sleep in my own bed and sleep in today.)
Anyway, when I drove back to Mom and Dad's on Friday morning, I stopped and went to "the viewing" by myself. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to do that or not, but decided it would probably be good, and I'm so glad I went. I am slow to process big things, and it was painful but cathartic and healing to see his body - it made it feel more real and final to me somehow. And that was the first and only time so far that I have really cried much and felt free to do so (because my emotions wouldn't be affecting anyone else and I wasn't worried about how everyone else was doing). I looked at the cards on all the flower arrangements that had been sent, and I felt thankful to see Grandad dressed up in his classic cowboy shirt and belt buckle rather than the T-shirts he'd been wearing since the stroke in March.
This pretty flower arrangement and his favorite cowboy hat were on top of the casket. I did find comfort and feel loved in seeing all the flowers that were there. And in the texts and messages and posts from several friends. I was surprised and grateful to see Charlene, Georgia, and Alan's names (aunts and uncle on Dad's side) on the list of people who had already been there before me.
Friday night, Dad got Cane's chicken for us. Babah went to bed early. Dad and I took the drinks and plates and such up to the funeral home so that he would have less to bring over there in the morning. Jace searched in vain for his backyard frog, Tobert. I read the 36-page booklet of handwritten stories about his life by Grandad. ❤ And Mom and I had a nice, long chat while she painted her fingernails about some of her childhood memories. ❤
I slept terribly that night, and then there was Saturday. Mrs. Garner from CHA brought a chocolate sheet cake over for our family that morning (yum). We met at the Barnes and Friederich Funeral Home at 11:00 AM for lunch (Dad brought in Ted's and Chick-Fil-A), and Virginia made and brought several desserts. There were lots of friends and family there, and we ate and chatted around for a couple hours. Rach finished working on the chalkboard that morning, then they came around 12:30, and everyone loved it! We started cleaning up after 1:00, and that took a while, then we went to the lobby area where people were starting to arrive and did lots more talking with people. Audie, Bill, Gene, and David (mom's cousins) were all there. Gus and Marilyn came in from Texas, Marilyn Hodgen (mom's and my CR friend) came, Kristin and Al and Hilary, all of Dad's fantasy football crew (of course), and so many others. While my introvert self is usually not a fan of large crowds, I was very happy about this crowd and grateful for every person who came that day!
I already wrote about the service. It was well-done and honoring to Grandad. Babah cried pretty hard during the Somewhere My Love song. JB, Rach, and Emily all cried quite a bit, especially at the end. I sat between Mom and the Miss K (who requested to sit by me), and I did not cry during the service (I wasn't sure how that would go, but I was honestly a bit on edge because over 75% of Pastor Bob's speech was reading things I had written between the obituary, the condensed memories list, and the tribute. Mom gave all of that to him for ideas, but we definitely didn't intend for him to read it ALL.)
The pallbearers were Bill and Audie DeBusk, Gene Fenton, Chad Wilkinson (David's son), Josh Huffman (Randi Kaye's husband), and Jim Clark (Grandad's coworker at Napa). And there's our faithful family friends, Bill and Jill and Rick and Connie, walking behind them. ❤
The graveside part was very brief. Bob said a prayer and shook everyone's hands. It rained very gently during his prayer, and then it rained hard after we left... but it stopped for a brief period in between when we took these pictures! JoBug said that was because God loves Grandad. lol She took roses out of the top arrangement and gave them to several of the girls... so here's a pic of Kenneth's Granddaughters and Great-granddaughter! ❤ *Also, it feels a bit wrong and strange to smile in these graveside moments, but I am glad we have a few pictures from this day.
Cousins pic: JoBug, Audie, Gene, David, Bill, and Mom ❤
Dad was helping Mom walk back to their car, and I made them stop for a pic because they looked so nice arm in arm. ❤
We went back to the funeral home to get ALLLL the plants and flowers, as well as alllll the leftover food from lunch! A mass crowd of people came over to Mom and Dad's house afterward (Mom's cousins, Dad's fam, the fantasy football crew, etc.). Most of them got a plate and talked for a minute, then left within 30-45 minutes. I felt like I could breathe more when the crowd thinned down a little. The kids swam while we all stayed inside and talked and snacked.
A few of the plants and flowers (there were more around the corner).
Mom chatting with Bill and Audie as they watched the kids swimming for a minute.
Babah looking through all the Guest Book signatures. ❤
Jaceman giving his rose some sunlight. =)
A random meme from Up that made me tear up when I saw it on someone else's FB page.
A comforting verse. ❤
I have always loved the quote below. We are truly fortunate to have relationships that make it hard to say goodbye. I am 35 years old, and this is the first close and beloved family member I have lost to death. I'm thankful for that reality. I'm thankful he got to celebrate his 90th birthday with us, and I'm thankful that we had the past five months to prepare ourselves and to know that this transition was a welcome relief for him. We were blessed to know him, and we will miss him, but there's a sweetness to it because we all feel confident that it was his time to go, and he was very ready to move on to heaven!
I think the best way for me to honor him now is to live "till I die." To put my heart into it and make the most of my time here. The thing we love most about him would be very different for different people, but I think trying to emulate whatever you love most is a great idea, so I will end my Grandad-related posts with this encouragement. ❤
