The Desire AND the Power

I am not stuck.

I am not powerless.

My choices create my future.

I am 100% responsible to God for what I do with this life He has given me!

By making excuses and losing sight of my goals when life gets hard, I have made myself an easy target for the enemy, and that has to stop.

God has promised that He is working in my heart, giving me the DESIRE and the POWER to live a life that pleases Him!!! (Philippians 2:13)  What a beautiful thing that is!  If we have a strong desire that we are powerless to make happen, then it's not in God's will for us right now.  In every area of our lives -- marriage, kids, career goals, personal goals, etc. -- God will empower us to follow through on the desires that are pleasing to Him and in His plan for our lives!!  He plants the desire and then gives us the ability to take action and make it happen.  Understanding and believing that is huge, really.

I feel so keenly aware of the spiritual warfare and the flesh vs. spirit tension in and around me right now... it is intense, so it's comforting and right to remind myself that I don't have to fight any of this without God's empowering grace!

There is some real personal stuff and family stuff I still need to work through, but I need to work through it in a gradual, healthy, proactive way -- not just stuffing it back down with familiar junk food and familiar junk thoughts.  Jesus wants better things for me, and He is calling me up higher -- to pick up my mat, stop wallowing in old self-pity, and keep moving forward with Him.

---

Recently, I did the cheesy thing where you open your Bible up to a random page and see if God has anything specific for you there.  I landed in Ezekiel 18 and got more than I bargained for... I've decided my "sanctification focus" for June will be reading through that chapter every day.  God goes out of His way here to make it abundantly clear that each person will be held accountable for their own choices, not the choices of their ancestors or their children.  For all of us, stronghold mindsets and negative family patterns are hard to overcome, but they're not a viable excuse for sin -- we get an individual, daily CHOICE.  

I want my life to matter and have a lasting Kingdom impact, and I am inching toward that but keep hesitating and stalling the progress.  I feel it.  My small, daily choices matter tremendously to God, so I want to keep that at the forefront of my mind.  Praying for grace and power as I feel God calling me to level up here!

"It is you who are unjust, not I.  Therefore, I will judge each of you... according to your actions, says the Sovereign Lord.  Turn from your sins! Don't let them destroy you!  Put all your rebellion behind you, and get for yourselves a new heart and a new spirit... Turn back and LIVE!"  ~Ezekiel 18:29-32

*This is really a continuation of my last post, which became unreasonably long. lol

Do You Want to Get Well?

"When Jesus saw him lying there
and knew he had already been there a long time,
He said to him, 'Do you want to get well?'"
~John 5:6

Part of my dumbest life pattern goes like this:  I'm on a good trajectory, doing well with habit changes, then someone I care about really upsets me (something that hits very personally).  I react with binge eating/overeating and feel totally justified in it, internally putting the blame on the other person.  I believe old lies and make a series of poor choices, then it takes way too long to refocus and get back on track and undo the new damage.  Emotional chaos that results in yo-yo dieting is a common but irrational reaction, and not one in which God finds any value or merit.

I am working to absorb this truth:  God will not be holding anyone else accountable for MY choices and behaviors.

The responsibility for personal growth, change, and obedience falls squarely on my shoulders, and the same goes for each of us.  There is hopeful FREEDOM as well as sobering ACCOUNTABILITY in that.  No one else can get us off track or ruin God's plan for our lives.  We are 100% responsible to God for what we do with this one earthly life He has given us!!

My behavior over the past week has been out of alignment with my health goals, which tends to put me off track in other areas of obedience.  I've been upset after a difficult doctor's appointment and angry about some unsolicited advice from an extended family member that surfaced years of dysfunctional family patterns I've been working to overcome.  And instead of praying or directly addressing it, I vented and binged and felt sorry for myself and felt stuck.  In any areas of complex, ingrained family baggage, our spiritual enemy doesn't have to work very hard to push us toward feeling helpless, stuck, irreversibly messy, and self-pitying (convinced our efforts don't matter much and will always be under-valued).  Lies that have had a long-term hold are much easier to believe.

The truth is there are plenty of people who see and support me, and even those who have hurt me have wanted good things for me 95% of the time.  And the bigger, overarching truth is that God sees everything we do, and He is just.  Over time, we will all reap what we sow if we do not grow weary in doing good and making good choices (Galatians 6:9).

Whilst watching TV and mindlessly scrolling through Facebook and eating a Crumbl cookie (my go-to off-plan thing lately)... God threw in a FB post by Jennifer Rothschild about the man at the pool of Bethesda.  Jennifer is a Christian author and speaker who is physically blind, so her posting about this passage made me stop to attentively read and consider her words:

"Have you ever wondered why Jesus asked the paralyzed man at the pool of Bethesda if he wanted to be healed?  I have!  Well, Jesus' question points to something in this man's life that's far more debilitating than paralysis.  It's in my life, and yours too.  It's the bigger problem.  It's the part of us that would rather blame, explain, and deflect than to actually be well.

"Now, I'm not talking about actual diseases like the one that caused my blindness.  I'm talking about the more serious conditions of self-pity, anger, or resentment that can deeply debilitate us.  Sometimes we're so used to our weakness, addiction, or our sin that we don't really want to be well.  We want an excuse to be who we [had been].  I think Jesus asks each of us, 'Do you want to get well?' because often, healing involves choice.

"So, if you're stuck today, pick up your mat, and walk away.  Leave your excuses behind and choose grace instead.  Rise and walk straight into the loving, forgiving, and grace-filled arms of Jesus!"

Well played and well-timed, God.  Convicting.  

Jesus always sees through our petty excuses.

I immediately felt more aware of the life pattern I described above, and of how unwise and self-defeating it is not to take responsibility for my own actions.  I threw away 3/4ths of the cookie after reading that. lol  It felt a little silly and small, but also symbolic -- I don't ever want to be someone who ignores or dismisses it when God puts something sooo clear right in front of me.

This process of "getting well" in any area where you’ve faced long-term struggle is messy and awkward.  It is choosing to keep trying and showing up over and over when it would be so much easier to just give up and hide.  It is the slow-growing belief that you can do hard things, and that it will all be worth it.  Writing about this feels vulnerable, but it's probably more meaningful than most of what I post here.  Old habits die hard, but God gives us the power to kill the flesh and walk in step with the Holy Spirit.  His mercy is fresh every single morning, and we have the power to choose whether we will honor God or ourselves every single day (in my case, one simple meal at a time)...

"This command I am giving you today is NOT too difficult for you, and it is not beyond your reach... Today I am giving you a choice between life and death, between prosperity and disaster. For I command you this day to love the Lord your God and to keep His commands, decrees, and regulations by walking in His ways. If you do this, you will live and multiply, and the Lord your God will bless you and the land you are about to enter and occupy… Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live!”  ~Deuteronomy 30:11-19

You and your descendants... the land you are about to enter and occupy... hello, I could not feel all of this more personally right now.  God deeply wants so many blessings and good things for us, but He gives us the power to choose our own course.

Do you want to get well??  ❤

Healing involves CHOICE.

We are never stuck in old patterns.

Pick up your mat... and walk away.

Photo Friday

Happy Friday!

It's been a productive week... I'm fully caught up on my transcripts and school stuff right now, so my big project this week was narrowing my saved emails from around 5,000 to 325... I went through them all and deleted lots of junk mail and trivial stuff, but did my best to save the ones that matter to me!  I needed a mostly mindless project, and it felt good to have a digital decluttering session. =)

You might've noticed that I take and save more pictures than the average person. lol  With Google Photos, I'm going day by day, searching today's date and then deleting any superfluous screenshots, duplicates, and unwanted photos from this day in every past year.  So in theory, by the end of this year, my photo collection will be narrowed down to ones those that hold real meaning to me!

Speaking of pictures, I'll move on with Photo Friday now!

This is so true.  And a paraphrase of a Bold quote! lol  Trying to make better choices here... 

Chet jotted down this great quote by Dr. Phil and sent it to me - always appreciated - I feel like I'm just beginning to make solid progress by focusing on the potential rewards more than I focus on the potential risks!  ❤

*Also, I am trying to get better at thinking externally when I read stuff like this.  My natural tendency is to go internal and think about how it applies to my backstory and personal growth, but I want to be more leadership-minded, looking outward and forward rather than inward and backwards.  It's good to do the internal work first, then consider how I can use my understanding to help others!

Speaking of Chettles, he had a fun hair transformation this week... these pics and the Bold shirt make me happy!

A few random fun memes:

They put these fake alligator heads out at The Station to deter unwanted geese, but the presh turtles are not scurrred! lol

Perhaps we need some fake gators for my neighborhood... these geese were just hanging out on top of the house across the street last week. lol

I am who I am and I love to have a clear record, so I'm fighting myself on it, but it would be unwise to go into too much detail here.  This has been an intense week with some hard moments and some big life decisions ahead of me.  I am thankful for good talks with Chet and Kristin and Mom, my go-to people lately for empathy, inspiration, and supportive truth when life hits me hard.  I gave myself a tiny minute to wallow and feel overwhelmed and eat too much, but I woke up today feeling stronger in my faith and more aware of the warfare at play and the need to stand firm...

New day/new mindset!  We can do hard things, and God is with us and for us!  He knows what is best for my life.  GOD WILL OPEN EVERY DOOR HE WANTS ME TO WALK THROUGH!!  I will pray and take this one day at a time and keep building good habits, and I will trust that God is good and has good things in store!  

I'm feeling all of the deeper memes/quotes below!

And in lighter news, hooray for my sparkly new headband!!  My hair wasn't in the best shape, but I had to take a photo when it arrived yesterday.

And in more significant news, as of this morning, pastor and author Tim Keller is now in heaven with Jesus (after battling pancreatic cancer).  I'm grateful for his ministry and influence... this post by Jennie Allen sums it up well.

"I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received."

~Paul, Ephesians 4:1

God's Timing

 "A man's heart plans his way,

but the Lord determines his steps."

~Proverbs 16:9

My mind is in overdrive lately, which historically means lots of blog posts. Lol  I've been thinking tonight about God's timing...

His ways are higher than our ways, and His thoughts are above our thoughts.

He knows the end from the beginning and knows our needs and our created purpose better than we do.  Every day of our lives is recorded and ordained by God - we are seen and valued on a level we probably cannot fully grasp.

I am grateful that He directs our steps...

even when we make big plans that don't align with His plan.

I can see evidence for this as I look back at big events and small kindnesses.  There are brilliant, intentional elements behind the timing of my friendship with Josh, me learning about the Eldredges, my move to Tulsa, joining the lifegroup, my home purchase, the letter, the sustaining kindness of friends, depression, Kyndal's birth, SNU rejecting me, the reconnection with Malori, the exact number of days we were friends, my six months at Mom and Dad's, my acceptance at CCU, the move to Moore, the pregnancy plan not happening too early, Mom's diagnosis, my talk with Dr. Burkhart, the interview with Shawn, so many well-timed conversations with Godly wisdom from friends, and timely sermons and podcasts and books and movies God used to speak to me right when I needed it!

There are some big things where I feel uncertain about what God has planned for my future.  That's normal and probably true for everyone.  So I'm reminding myself here that God is faithful.  He is sovereign, and He is directly involved.  He wants our hearts and our obedience and our unwavering love and trust.  And He deserves them.  He delights in the details of our lives and personalities, and He plans little things that make life richer and brighter for us.  God is creative and He is good, and He enjoys doing things that are unexpected!  He wants good things for us and will not withhold anything that is beneficial to us in fulfilling His plan for our lives.  Regardless of all our planning and striving, His plan will ultimately prevail -- globally and individually -- and that is to our great benefit.  The timing of every big event in our lives, every relationship we form, every hard thing we endure, every big loss we grieve, our own earthly death (if that comes before Jesus returns), and the eventual return of Jesus is already appointed by God.  He knows how to catch us when we fall.  We would do well to trust Him and stay close, to seek His will and do our best to walk in step with Him, and to remember that He does not allow or ordain anything without a purpose.

We are never alone in any big decision.

And in the end, the result is always up to Him.
There is beautiful safety and grace in that!

❤ ❤ ❤

"For everything there is an appointed time,

and an appropriate time for every activity on earth..."

~Ecclesiastes 3:1

Chosen Family + Memes

Happy Monday, friends and fam!  I'm feeling better today and still thinking things through.  I have high expectations for myself, sometimes unrealistically so.  My ability to empathize and understand where other people are coming from is pretty strong - in almost any hard situation, I immediately and intentionally think about the backstory behind someone's hurtful behavior (toward me or others I love), and my unspoken/unrealistic goal is that this empathic understanding would serve as a self-protective barrier empowering me to transcend it all - to rise above feeling defensive or deeply hurt by anything... like I'm seeing it all from an out-of-body perspective, able to think rationally about the cause and feel nothing personally.  Sometimes trying to transcend your own needs and feelings only makes the emotional aftermath more intense.  The Holistic Psychologist posted yesterday saying, "Trauma explains behavior. It does not excuse it."  That was something I needed to hear.  It's not okay for me to feel unsafe and on edge - and I need to speak up for myself the way I would for someone else… it’s okay to hold people accountable and set boundaries, even if there is legitimate pain behind their bad behavior, which is almost always true.  Healthy people feel their feelings, so numbing out should never be my goal.  It is normal for hurtful things to feel hurtful.  Feeling hurt is not childish or stupid or immature, even though the phrase "this hurts my feelings" makes me feel about 5 years old.  I need to set clear boundaries and speak up for myself and others while maintaining my God-given empathy and love for the other person… aka speaking the truth from a place of love, having courage and being kind!  Mastering that and discerning when it's important enough to confront someone will be a lifelong project for me, but it's good to have goals. lol

Anyway, thanks for witnessing my inner dialogue there.  Today, I am grateful for my immediate family, my extended family, and my chosen family!  These seven families are high on the list of safe people for me, and I'm grateful for the sense of community and belonging I feel here. ❤

"One day at a time."  A regular mantra for me.

Yes to this! lol  Very happy to get a day off tomorrow!

(Or the co-pilot with Jesus!) ;-)

Lol I'm actually a big fan of raisins and cashews too!

YAY boundaries!
Love the concept.
Struggle hard with the real life application.

My choice again this Saturday. #noregrets

"Well, it may have escaped your notice, but life isn't fair!"  He really does look like Snape here.

Yaaaay, therapy!

Lol

This made me laugh!

Kudos to the early risers!!

Truth be told, this was one of my favorite candies as a child!

A Disney-themed Mother's Day post!  RIP Bambi's mom.

I saw Book Club: The Next Chapter yesterday.  Basically an older version of Sex and the City that celebrates female friendships and shallow humor.  For whatever reason, I enjoy that group of actresses -- Mary Steenburgen (the Charlotte), Diane Keaton (the Carrie), Candice Bergen (the Miranda), and Jane Fonda (the Samantha).  In this movie, their book was The Alchemist.  They put the first part of this quote on screen, which I read and cringed and said, "nope" out loud... then they slowly faded in the second line, and I snapped a photo. 

 That was the theme of the movie - the power of choosing your own course.  Overall, it was cheesy and could've been better.  But I really liked that they used the phrase, "Okay, best friends -- tough love..." before calling each other out on the mindsets that were holding them back.  Yay for the theme of speaking truth in love and cultivating healthy relationships!

Fun Fact:  This day last year was my moving day (HERE).

Anyway, thanks for being here, and
hope you have a delightful week ahead!! ❤

Mother's Day 2023!

Happy Mother's Day to my wonderful Mom,
and to all the great moms I know and love!! ❤

Y'all know it's been quite the journey this year with Mom's health and medical stuff, and her radiation treatments should begin sometime this summer...  I feel grateful for God's timing in prompting me to move closer last year! 

Today, I joined the fam at LifeChurch, then we had lunch at Gaillardia.  Emily had an exciting announcement that made this day extra special!  They had a Mother's Day photo room set up, so we got a picture of all the women in our family...

And Kyndal took an artsy shot of Rach with Jaceman!

Four generations. ❤

The Miss K with her sunburned little preshface cheeks. lol

Took a 60-minute Peloton walk with Ed Sheeran's new album yesterday... so great!!  I need to watch the  Disney+ documentary about that - I just love Ed!

After my walk, yesterday also included my first summer swim - a fun day with J&K!  Mom and Dad have had the pool heater on, and the water was really nice!

We stopped on our way back to their house to pick up a Mother's Day treat for Rachael! lol  (Jace asked if we could stop to get her something... then asked if he could get something too... then told me he grabbed something for his friend, as well. lol  Mess.)

Last Thursday was another stormy night with pouring rain and tornado warnings! #overit  The sunset in the background was comforting to me here.

I got in my shelter and actually closed the door that time.  I didn't wanna run down my already-low phone battery, so I just sat in the dark sauna and peacefully listened to my podcast.  I laughed thinking how un-peaceful that would feel to Rachael, then laughed again when I got her texts!

Nothing wrong with finding someone who makes you happy!  But I love this advice to make yourself happy and earn your own respect!!

On that note, part of today was difficult for me, but not for the reasons you might expect.  I firmly believe I will be a Mom someday, and I am genuinely happy to celebrate the fantastic moms and moms-to-be that I love now! ❤

...I'm currently approaching the 40-lb weight loss mark.  I've worked hard and God has given me grace for it, and I'm proud of the trajectory we're on, the energy we're cultivating, and the habits we are building (me and Jesus).  I'm aware there is a long way to go, but I feel up for the challenge because I am not alone in it.  I want my progress to be based on consistent effort and gradual habit changes because I want it to last and I want to feel secure in my ability to renew and maintain it.  I also acknowledge that I am over-sensitive and too self-protective in this area... body-centered commentary and unsolicited advice are really my Achilles heel, and that includes any Bells-Palsy-related comments.  The sense of uninvited judgment and disapproval triggers something unhealed in me... yet I am 100% certain most people do not realize what a messy, nightmarish internal minefield this can be.  They genuinely mean well and see it from a different perspective based on their own story, so I recognize that it's my responsibility to set and clarify my boundaries (easier said than done).  Until I get there, I am thankful for the support of those who understand this struggle and know me well and believe in my ability to freaking stay the course with my goals!  That is all.

In other news, Lindsay thought of me and sent what may be the kindest text I've ever received this morning.  In context, she has grieved the loss of her firstborn child and this is her first Mother's Day without her Mom, and she took the time to encourage and honor me. ❤

❤ ❤ ❤

(Sharing that podcast below.)

Happy Mother's Day and Happy Sunday!

You matter.

Mom or not, I hope you've had a lovely day,
and I hope you feel loved and celebrated for who you are!!

Mental Health Month

"If you're depressed, if you're anxious,

You are not weak.  You're not crazy.

You're not a machine with broken parts.

You're a human being with unmet needs.

We need to talk less about chemical imbalances
and more about the imbalances in the way we live.

This problem goes deeper than biology,
and the solutions need to go deeper, too.

We are the loneliest society in human history.
Your depression is not a malfunction; it's a signal...
Your depression is telling you something.
With the right help, we can understand these problems,
and we can fix these problems together."
~Johann Hari, TED Talk

May is Mental Health Awareness Month.

Just over ten years ago, I was diagnosed with major depression.  I added a new intro paragraph from today's perspective to the post I wrote back then (HERE).

I really could not agree more with the speaker quoted above.  Sometimes we assume we are the problem when, in fact, we're having a normal response to an abnormal situation.

If you ever find yourself in a dark season, please know you can reach out to me.  I will listen and sit with you in the darkness, and when you're ready, I will walk with you as you find your way back to the Light. ❤