Day 27 ~ Problem

Today = A problem you have or have had in the past

My answer hits both categories.

I've been reading up on the Enneagram.  I'm either a Type 9 with a strong Type 1 "wing," or the reverse of that.  (Nines are adaptable and empathetic with a strong desire to keep the peace, merge with others, and avoid conflict.  Ones are dedicated and self-critical perfectionists with a desire to improve the world and to avoid fault and blame.)  
*The combination of these two types = people who have a very hard time defining and completing big personal goals... The Nine side hides and struggles with feeling unspecial/unworthy of pursuing big things, and the One side critiques and never thinks anything is quite good enough or quite finished.  Hence, why my book has yet to be completed or see the light of day.

Both of these types fall into the "Anger Triad," along with the Type 8 personality (Malori, Holly, Joyce, etc.).  

• Eights externalize and vent their anger, both on behalf of themselves and others.  
• Ones will express certain anger if it feels "righteous and justified," mostly on behalf of others, but they internalize most anger they feel on their own behalf in a way that eventually turns into "smoldering resentment."  Yikes - yep.
• Nines numb out, stuff down, and try to forget about and escape their anger to avoid conflict or unpleasant feelings.  (Likely why the "You do care" line from HP hits me so deeply.)

The book said Nines don't want to think of themselves as angry people, but they feel a lot of inner anger about being repeatedly overlooked, ignored, and treated as less important than others.  They learn to fade into the background and attempt to sleepwalk through life without letting anything bother them too much.  They often fail to speak up for themselves or their beliefs in the effort to avoid conflict and drama, then they feel unseen and unheard by those closest to them, and they feel angry about that.  But they know they cannot express that anger or fully be themselves without messing up the external sense of peace around them, so they try to put a positive spin on everything and/or numb out with any number of comforts (movies and chocolate and more).  In the end, they basically sacrifice inner heart-level peace for the outer appearance of peace...

Oh. Deeeear. Lord.  Hearing that part of the book forced me to acknowledge my anger and feel it more than I have in a while, and I was caught off guard by how much I could feel rising up to the surface - I already have high blood pressure, and I felt almost shaky as I was thinking back about this. And it's not the big stuff like friendship betrayals (that's where I eventually felt justified enough to express my anger, then end up regretting it) -- but it's the myriad of little petty things that go unaddressed, the many ways I have made myself invisible to keep the peace, and all the ways people have taken advantage because they know I am unlikely to risk conflict or initiate a hard conversation.  It is and always has been a major struggle for me to figure out and pursue what I really want because the feelings of other people factor in SO heavily and seem more important to me than my own feelings.  About MY OWN LIFE.  Which is such a crazy pattern, but a hard one to break.

So my problem = figuring out how to process my feelings in a healthy way and feel seen/heard/valued/known after years of unresolved brewing anger and making myself small and feeling overlooked.  Barf.  It's not a fun problem, but it's not unsolvable either.  Coming out of denial and acknowledging the problem is the first step.  

At the beginning of this book, the author said that personality assessments are not meant to "put you in a box."  Rather, they are made to "show you the box you are already in" and give you the keys to get out of it.  I really loved that, and I'm reminding myself of it now.  This is not anyone else's fault; it is my responsibility and mine alone.  I don't want to be a resentful person or a numbed-out person, so I have to make some changes to become a healthier person.  Finding true peace and freedom will require a lot more work than settling for artificial peace and repressed anger, but it will be far more pleasing to God!  ...And it might lower my blood pressure too. lol 

Mmmm, and that's all I've got for today.