I haven't done this one before, so today starts a new blog challenge!
Singleness is freeing in some ways and exhausting in others. There are many wonderful people I love who love me, but I am no one's first call or top-of-the-list person, and sometimes that is hard. There are many faithful friends and relatives who would be right there for me in a real crisis situation, but very few who keep up with my daily life. It has become lonelier over time, which is to be expected as your formerly single friends marry and start families, but that doesn't make it fun or easy. I have also become more content and happy "in my own company" over time, so that's a nice change. I am thankful to have family I can go see regularly and kids I love (my niece and nephews and friends' kids) who get really excited to see me! I look forward to getting more involved with my church family -- their small groups are on summer break from May - August, so I still feel somewhat disconnected there. I think the hardest part, for me, is the missing sense of belonging here. I am often the one who is out of place in groups, and I've learned to be okay with that and fit in with lots of different people. I have been completely rejected by two friends who knew me very well, and it can occasionally be difficult to keep my head above water with that kind of undercurrent pulling me down. I've survived and vowed to "keep swimming," but it brings up difficult questions and insecurities about whether I would be good at marriage. (It's also easy to wonder whether there are any men worth marrying left.) I'm currently taking a mini-break from the messy online dating world after talking to a guy who had protective orders filed against him from his prior girlfriend. I feel tired and a bit disheartened after this last experience, and I'm aware that if I didn't share that here, no one would ever know. (*I'm also very thankful for this writing outlet that helps me feel some sense of connection with people I no longer see as regularly.)
I have grown a lot at finding my sense of belonging and identity in Christ. I'm learning to disregard the hurtful, belittling comments from Christians who absolutely don't get it or who believe they are superior because they are married. To stay open to marriage while not putting too much hope in it. To find joy and peace in singleness and to discern God's will and timing on adoption. To trust God and be present and not let myself get anxious over how I might handle imaginary future scenarios if I am still single. To know and love who I am and to command respect from others and believe that I am worth choosing. Which is true! To believe there are still good, Godly men out there amid the sea of smarmy, hot-tempered, or passive boys. To love people and be vulnerable and unafraid to ask for help when needed rather than being too self-protective as I try to be strong and independent and capable.
So it's a pretty tricky balance, and it requires daily grace from God... but honestly, that's true of any life or relationship status! We all need Him. So this post can be a reminder to myself that I belong to Jesus and I belong with Him, so whatever happens, I will be okay! ❤
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