Singles and the Church

Things I wish I heard more often from church leaders and married Christian friends:

"You are not single because you are too spiritually unstable to deserve a husband or too spiritually mature to need one. You are single because God is good and this is His best for you right now." ~Paige Benton Brown (paraphrased)

"God's plan for you will come to pass in its appointed time. He Himself will assure it. Rest and trust. Cease striving and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10). Be free from the burden of trying to make things happen, and trust that your God loves you and will fulfill His word for your life."  ~Priscilla Shirer, Discerning the Voice of God

Also good:

We love and appreciate you!

You're serving an important purpose here right now!

Let's hang out soon - how about this weekend!?

You're not alone - we're praying with you, and we're here for you!

Come sit with us during the service today!

Things I hear way too often from married Christian friends and leaders:

After several prayer requests about marriages that are hurting or in trouble:  "We'll be praying for you, too, that you find your Strawberry Soda!" (A LifeChurch sermon reference about finding a good husband)

Following a prayer meeting where we prayed for a healthy singles ministry at church:  "And we pray that the Singles class becomes the Young Marrieds class!"

Repeatedly telling stories that start with:  "She's doing so great now: she's married and has kids!" as if her significance fully stems from her husband and children, and there is no successful outcome for a woman outside that life pattern.

Also bad:
So when will it be your turn to get married!?
I just can't understand why you're not married - it seems like you'd be such a good wife!
How old are you again?  Well, you still have time.
Don't worry; this is just for a season.
I know God has someone great for you!

* * * * * * *

All of the above have been said to me (unprompted) by people who care about me.  I trust that they mean well and had good intentions, but it doesn't always occur to them how their comments come across to a single person.  I obviously cannot speak for all Christian singles, but personally, I do not appreciate the assumption that I am currently an incomplete person who lacks something vital... that God has withheld part of His good plan from me, and you need to pray it in for me.  It shows a lack of humility to claim you "know" God has a husband in store for me, and to believe that His goodness couldn't possibly include someone remaining single. God's ways are higher than ours, and none of us know exactly what the future holds, but we know we can trust Him.  And when we learn to trust Him, we lose the sense of desperation and insecurity about being single... and we certainly don't need our married friends to pity us or push us toward marriage.  It always makes me uncomfortable when people question aloud why I am still single, as if they are searching for a major flaw that would explain and clarify it all for them.  It vaguely and incorrectly assumes (1) that my flaws are the main problem preventing marriage, (2) that marriage is inherently superior to singleness, and (3) that I am living outside God's best plan for me.  

I have come a long way in feeling secure and confident and content in Christ, and I am deeply thankful for the work He has done in my heart!  I still feel disheartened and frustrated by the way that southern culture and particularly the church views singleness (single women in particular).  Contrary to popular Christian belief, marriage is not automatically superior or more significant or more holy.  I can personally assure you that God is capable of using singleness to grow and sanctify some of His children, just as He uses marriage to grow and sanctify others.  The defining factor in our maturity and fruitfulness is and always will be our personal relationship with Christ and our submission to God, not our marital relationship or lack thereof.

It bothers me to see Christian women feeling unworthy based on their single status, or worse, settling for unhealthy relationships.  But I see and understand the toxic cultural pressure they are facing.  Married friends, please lose the condescension and the cat jokes, and learn to love and connect with us just as we are today.  If we ASK for prayer here or confide in you that we're feeling lonely, then pray with and for us... but don't assume we feel that way 24/7 or that everyone desires to be married.  We can all benefit from having a mixture of married and single friends and learning from each other.  Encourage us to follow hard after God and be healthy and whole right where we are rather than pushing us toward what you envision for our lives!

Single friends, you are not forgotten.  You are loved by God and others, your lives are valuable, and you have a God-given role and purpose right now.  Be confident and joyful, and don't settle for an unhealthy relationship out of fear!  You can rest and trust God's heart toward you.  God is with you and He sees your heart, and He will reveal Himself and His plan for you little by little as you keep walking with Him.  Desiring marriage is not a bad thing, but let's rise above the temptation to believe we can do nothing apart from a spouse - that verse only applies to Jesus, and He is always with us and working for us!  Singleness is not a punishment, and you are not beneath anyone else.  Read 1 Corinthians 7, and remember that the Apostle Paul and Jesus himself managed to live pretty meaningful lives without a spouse.  

Let's all do our best to drop the timelines we've created and keep our hearts open to whatever God has for us!  I firmly believe that He chooses for some people to grow closer to Him and reflect His heart through marriage, and for others to do so by remaining single.  I can see some valid reasons that singleness might be His plan for my future, as well as some ways marriage and motherhood would be a great fit for me... and I trust Him to lead me either way.  In the meantime, I pray for continued grace and peace from God!   And that married and single Christians will do a better job connecting with each other and growing with God together!! ❤

Spring Break 2019

My thoughts are going in several directions. Lots of prayer and internal wrestling with hard emotions.  I'll avoid going into detail in an effort to guard my heart and guard my readers from anything unhealthy there.  Thankful for praying friends, quality time with Mom, and getting to have lunch with Elizabeth and Ashley this week... it's always refreshing to be around people who listen well and prefer authenticity to the appearance of perfection! I may write a deeper, more detailed post later, but that's all I want to say at this point.

A lot of my "Spring Break" week was spent at the hospital with Grandad, Babah, and Mom.  (Jace painted some horses for him, and J&K painted the suncatchers that brighten up his window there.)

These pics were taken when I was home last weekend.  Fun times with the niece and nephews!

I tried out the new Club Pilates in Jenks (they offered a free Intro class), and it was pretty awesome. =)  Sadly, it's around $200 a month to join, so I'll stick with my DVDs and Planet Fitness membership!

While Dad was gone with Rach and the kids to San Antonio, Mom and I painted her front door - something she's been wanting to do for a while.  We "pounced" it with sponges, layering pinks and purple, followed by greens and blue, then golds, then two layers of copper on top of everything else.  It creates a marble effect with hints of all those colors shining through.  Worth the effort! =)

Grandad eating breakfast... holding the flowers Bryce sent them... and playing dominoes with his friend, Buster, and two of the nurses there!  I loved that! ❤

This Girl Scout cookie jar from 1962 = their dominoes container.  Pretty awesome!

Jaceman proud of himself after hitting some good golf shots!

Swinging with the Miss K =)

And now with Grandpa pushing her!

They hopped in to take a "swimming " photo in their future pool!

Jace has been really good with Grandad as he's been at the hospital.

And good for him, too. ❤  (Grandad will be moved to a skilled nursing facility this coming Tuesday, so pray for a smooth transition and for God's mercy all around.)

Kyndal Faith stacking a Star Wars puzzle! =)

Dad coaching Jace on his golf swing!

A panoramic shot of the biggest cumulus cloud wall I've seen in years (it kept going around the other side of the house)!

And finally, a slideshow I put together of their Sea World trip - looks like they had lots of fun!! =)

(I was invited, and in the end, decided it was best for Dad to go with them and me to stay home with Mom).  Hopefully we'll all get to go again someday!

Alphabetical Attributes

• A - Author of all history. Author of my story.  Alpha and Omega. The Ancient of Days. Artistic. Abundant. Awesome. An Anchor for my soul. Atoning sacrifice. Advocate. All authority belongs to You.
• B - Brilliant. Beautiful. Benevolent. Bold. Boundless. Binder of the brokenhearted.
• C - Creative. Caring and compassionate. Close to me. The God of all Comfort. My Creator and Counselor.
• D - Delights in every detail of my life. Desires a relationship with me. Dependable. Decisive. My defender. My desire and delight.
• E - Everlasting. Engaged and involved. My ever-present help in times of trouble. The source of eternal life.
• F - Faithful and true. My Father and Friend. Fierce. Fights for my freedom. Forgives my sins.
• G - Great and glorious. Generous. Always good. Gentle and full of grace.
• H - Holy. Honorable and honest. Helpful. Heroic. The God of all Hope.
• I - Infinite. Incomparable. My inheritance.
• J - Joyful. A God of Justice. The Judge of all the earth.
• K - Kind. The King of kings. The King of my heart. Keeper of promises.
• L - Loyal. Loving. Lord or lords. Light of the world. Living and active. My leader and my Lord. My life and my light.
• M - Merciful. Magnificent. Mysterious. Majestic. Mighty. Master of the Universe.
• N - Name above all names. Noble. Never leaves or forsakes me. "Not an indifferent bystander."
• O - Omnipotent. Observant. One and only God.
• P - Peaceful. Powerful. My Protector. Present. Personal. The Prince of Peace. Pure. My Portion forever. Perfect. Patient. My Provider.
• Q - Quiet - the still, small voice that guides my heart and quells my fears.
• R - Relational. My Rock, my Refuge, and my Redeemer.  My eternal Reward. Righteous and resolute. You rescue, rebuild, renew, and restore!
• S - Sovereign. Strong. Savior. You sustain me. My Sword and my Shield. Slow to anger. My Song and my Salvation. The Strength of my heart. The good Shepherd.
• T - Trustworthy. Tenderhearted. Timeless. My Teacher. The way, the Truth, and the life. My Treasure. Triumphant.
• U - Unfailing love. My Ultimate hope. Unequaled. Unlimited. Uniting force.
• V - Victorious over every enemy. My Vindicator. Valiant. Vengeance belongs to You.
• W - Wise. Worthy of all glory, honor, power, and praise. Wild at heart. A Warrior. With me and for me.
• X - Excellent in all Your ways. Extraordinary. Exquisite.
• Y - Young at heart - creative and playful and full of life and joy.
• Z - Zealous for Your Name, Your people, and Your Kingdom!

One of my goals this year was to set aside a solid hour for prayer once a week... focusing my thoughts presented a challenge, but this has been helpful. My list changes every time, and this is the first time I've written any of it out (the list could go on and on). I begin by mentally going through the alphabet and praising God for who He is:  "Lord, You are Awesome; You are Boundless; You are my Counselor and my Defender..." etc. Sometimes I repeat the alphabetical process thanking Him for specific things He has given me or done in my life.

This method might not appeal to those with different personality styles, but it helps me to calm my thoughts down and center in, to stay focused and connect with God as I begin praying. And it brings comfort and peace to simply remind myself of what I already know to be true, to start with worship and adoration. I hope it does the same for you today. ❤

“We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May Your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in You.” ~Psalm 33:20-22

Sooo, like, you know...

I've been listening to The Holderness Family Podcast lately.  Penn and Kim are both likable and entertaining.  And they cover several interesting, relatable topics.  In one episode, they had a guest who discussed the importance of communicating clearly and eliminating "vocal graffiti."

Anyway, okay, so, like, you know, I'm just saying, umm, definitely, sort of, actually, I mean, basically, literally, honestly, whatever, right...

She mentions all those words and more, emphasizing that we need to slow down and allow a silent pause to gather our thoughts... rather than constantly filling all silence with "umm" and "so" and other unnecessary words.

What I found most interesting was that women are more likely to use filler words that weaken and water down our point, the same way we are more likely to over-apologize when there is nothing to be sorry about.  
We might say:  "I just want to kind of walk you through our process here."
Rather than: "I want to walk you through our process here."

When we do that, we come across more timid and insecure, less firm and confident.  I know I do this.  Especially when I am nervous, I can feel myself qualifying sentences with "honestly" and "maybe" and repeatedly saying "like" and "umm."  Kim asked their guest if there was any harm in using those little filler words, and she told them there is not... unless you want people to listen closely and take you seriously.  Ouch!  

This is something I want to work on and improve in my daily speech and in my writing.  To speak with clarity and conviction that encourages people to listen and connect.  To write in a way that compels readers to engage and pay attention.  To respect myself and the point I am making enough to communicate clearly and command respect from others!

Resilience and Strength

The most powerful scene in the new Captain Marvel movie is all about winning the battle in your mind.  The story literally centers on a woman who has been separated from her best friend and the life she knew and loved for around six years.  She has forgotten who she is and lost sight of her own heart and humanity; she is defensive and confused about who to trust; and those closest to her are indeed using her and teaching her to shut down her natural instincts and emotions.  They know and fear the power she possesses, and they try to convince her that she is weak and inferior and dependent on them for guidance and direction.

The movie takes you through her journey to understand her own story.  She slowly begins to remember bits and pieces of her backstory.  To learn about who she was and what she meant to those who knew her best.  To understand her own strength and where it comes from.  To identify the enemy and see their lies with more clarity.

Eventually, the enemy returns to "reclaim her."  They place her under the influence of their most powerful force, what they've labeled the "supreme intelligence," and the whole conversation that follows is purely internal:  the enemy voice tells her that she is weak, too emotional, etc.  They try to convince her that her power comes from them and can be taken away.  They belittle her, saying, "It's cute how hard you're trying," then proceed to remind her of every time she has fallen down or felt defeated throughout her life.

But she holds on to each one of those memories, letting them fully play out.  She sees herself getting back up, dusting herself off, and stepping forward to try again.  Over and over!  The enemy is doing their best to make her feel weak with past failures, but she is able to see the strength it took to keep getting back up!  To overcome her own fear and doubt and keep trying, again and again. And the more she focuses on her story and her ability to rise up each time she is knocked down, the more powerful she becomes.  Before she goes into full-tilt Captain Marvel mode, she says to the enemy that's been trying to control her, "I've been fighting with one hand behind my back. What happens when I'm finally set free?"  Eventually, she breaks out of that enemy influence once and for all, ready to step up and fight in her full strength!

Toward the end, she comes face to face with the enemy agent who "trained her" to be part of their team.  He tries to revert back to that trainer role and put her in her place, starting by saying, "I'm so proud of you," a comment that typically feels condescending from a peer and is intended to take her down a peg and remind her that he is her superior.  She responds well, refusing to weaken herself to be on his level, and reminding him that she has nothing at all to prove to him.  She is no longer hesitant or afraid to shine.  She is a fighter, and she doesn't need his approval or patronizing praise.  Obviously, I am a fan of the movie (I've seen it twice now) and of her character.  She is sassy and smart, funny and strong, resilient and relatable! ❤ 

.....For anyone feeling weak and being targeted by the lies of our real-but-invisible spiritual enemy, remember that you have the power to break free from those chains.  It matters, and it is a battle you will have to win first in your mind.  ....Think about your life story and let the joy of the Lord strengthen you.  What the enemy intended for harm can become a stepping stone in our lives when we begin to see things clearly - recognizing my own God-given inner grit and resilience after failure and rejection has given me far more strength and confidence than all the compliments and praise ever could!   Remember God's faithfulness in your own past victories, and see yourself getting back up every time you have been pushed down.  Don't hesitate or waver in resolve.  Do not be afraid or back down.  God is fighting alongside you and through you, and He that is in you is greater than he that is in the world!  All authority in heaven and on earth belongs to Jesus, and YOU belong to Him. You are not powerless; you stand firm in His protection, in His armor, in His authority, and in His strength!!

The God Who Carries and Sustains Us

All of my emotions feel *heightened* right now - I'm more reactive than usual, incredibly sensitive to the emotions of others, more aware of the pains and irritations in life, but also more aware of the joys and the love and beauty surrounding me.  When I feel like this, it helps to write, so here I am.

I found myself thinking about this quote on my drive back to Tulsa yesterday, and it remains one of the most helpful things I have ever read:

"When our souls feel crushed and overwhelmed, we believe ourselves to be tired of life; but it is death, not life, that wearies us.  In all our troubles, let us remember that what we lack is life – what we need is more life, more of God’s powerful presence in us that makes us more alive and whole!  When we feel broken and tired of life, let us recognize that it is actually the presence of death in this world that we are tired of.  When we feel most inclined to give up, let us rouse ourselves to live.  Of all things, let us avoid the false refuge of a weary collapse, a hopeless yielding to things as they are.  The dissatisfied ache we experience is caused by the life of God in us is crying out for more life (more beauty, freedom, restoration, love, and healing).  We are victorious when, in the midst of our pain and weakness, we cry out  -- not for death or numbness  – but for the strength to fight; for more power, more understanding, more of God in us!" ~George MacDonald (paraphrased)

The line "we believe ourselves to be tired of life, but it is death, not life, that wearies us" is fantastic.  It sucks to see people you love suffering, to watch them struggling and feeling helpless, to be unable to fix it yourself.  "What we need is more life, more of God's powerful presence in us that makes us more alive and whole."  Also true. ❤

The hope of full restoration in heaven is the only hope strong enough to anchor our souls.  Mom and I have been talking about that and about trusting that God sees the bigger picture and has a purpose in the things we do not understand.  All authority on heaven and earth belongs to Jesus.  His thoughts are higher than ours, and He knows what He is doing.

^^This is one of my favorite verses.  Mom and I spent several frustrating hours putting that canvas together a couple years back.  The full verse reads:  "Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." ~Isaiah 46:4

A comforting promise.

 The Avalon song "Knocking on Heaven's Door" came up on my playlist today.  They repeat these words over and over at the end: "Whisper what you're feeling.  Shout it at the ceiling! Nothing's gonna fall on deaf ears. Ask Him for His mercy. Pray away your worries!  What do you want heaven to hear?"  I have been reminded several times to turn to God in prayer when I feel anxious or overwhelmed.  Sometimes we feel pretty confident and in control of things, but it only takes one crisis to remind us that we are not in control.  The good news is that God sees what is happening with Grandad (or with you or whoever you love that is hurting).  He knows and He cares about how it is affecting every person involved.  God is loving and faithful and worthy of our trust.  We don't know what the future holds, and that can be daunting and scary.  But we can draw near to God and find peace in His presence! ❤

"Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord!"  ~Psalm 31:24

Phoning It In, Part 10

Today's Photo Friday post = me catching up on random iPhone pics and screenshots I've taken. =)

This = pic I texted Chet saying it was a sign that he should have a cookie! lol

(He's off sweets and had talked about wanting one lately.) #badinfluence #iapplaudhim

Someone posted this on Facebook, and I liked it - I've done it a few times when I feel overwhelmed about random stuff.  If you're like me, you can dive into your own little internal world and feel stressed out thinking about the past or the future, and this helps bring you back to the very present reality - "be here now!" I've been in a really secure, happy place for a while, but I have to work a little harder than some people to stay there. I'm learning what works and doesn't work for me, and I'm so deeply thankful for the places where I can see growth and marked improvement in my thinking... I am FAR less self-critical and less likely to suppress and stifle my negative emotions nowadays, and that is lovely progress!! ❤

Here's the Mini Miss K picking the marshmallows out of her Froot Loops. =)

This is that same day (last Wednesday).  They both have Dr. Pepper in their mugs and are "drinking" it with a spoon.  Don't know why, but it made me laugh and I had to snap a picture!

Casey, Me, Tiffany, and Jenny (1995) ...We worked surprisingly hard to make this happen! lol

Jenny loved Shelly, and we were all Point of Grace fans when the group became popular in the '90s.  We did this CD cover pic and then made multiple music videos which I'm okay with never seeing again. lol

I got Pei Wei to go last week - here's hoping these prove true!

(I'm a fan of fortune cookies.  And all cookies, for that matter - I don't discriminate!)

I created an image on the Youversion app with this verse - so good!

I'm not holding my breath, but here's hoping the legislature gets it together on this one!!

#13yearslater

Here's a happy Michael Scott meme. lol  (Elizabeth tagged me in a post about Michael Scott's Dunder Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial Celebrity Rabies Awareness Pro-Am Fun Run Race for the Cure, so this was my reply.)

Then I found these 2009 pics of me wearing the T-shirt (setting up for At the Movies with Haley, then Halloween at Lifegroup when I went as Pam).

 Crazy powerful winds here in Oklahoma lately!  It took down this playhouse, along with their trampoline.

And it knocked over two semis in Texas... scary!

And finally, here's my new favorite commercial. lol

I was watching Brooklyn 99 on Hulu, scrolling through Facebook during the commercials... so I was vaguely hearing what they said, then finally looked up toward the end and was cracking up.  I Googled it and realized this guy is a twice-rejected Bachelor contestant, and it became that much funnier! lol  #causeadultsneedalotoficecream =)